And also compared to the murderers of Matthew Shepard

This was the point at which I woke the fuck up, this was my turning point.

I realized just how far these familial abusers would go, to shame me, to force me into submission with their groupthink. The reference to Matthew Shepard (God rest his soul) was an invocation of my own LGBTQ kids. To put a finer point on it – my abusers used my own queer kids in an argument against me, in an attempt to tear me down.

Even more maddening is that these are so-called “christian”, cis-het folks using the Holocaust and anti-gay violence as a comparative point to our generational family trauma. The pure privilege they demonstrated in these comparisons is as breathtaking as it is tragic.

What it ultimately boiled down to was that I wasn’t on their Hate Team. I was supposed to hate the very same person they hated, in the very same way that they hated them. Me straying from their narrative proved an existential threat. Thus I was excised from the family. Literally. The perpetrators hosted more than 20 calls, texts, emails, and in person meetings colluding to turn other members of my family against me.

I guess I must be pretty powerful to elicit these reactions.

I accept that, yes, indeed, I am.

She Ra Princess of Power, from the animated series. Image

Shortly after all this burst forth I found a SURJ [Showing Up For Racial Justice] article (link below) that opened my eyes to how white and male supremacy characteristics were woven into the very fabric of the familial abuse I’d suffered and saw repeated within our generational family trauma. (link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1XR_7M_9qa64zZ00_JyFVTAjmjVU-uSz8/view)

Here are some abbreviated highlights:

Fear. We fear not being good enough, not being enough, not being lovable.

Perfectionism, One Right Way, Paternalism, and Objectivity. Requiring people to think in a linear (logical) fashion and ignoring or invalidating/shaming those who think in other ways.

Qualified. This particular characteristic is internalized primarily by middle and owning class white people, formally educated, who are taught by the culture that they are qualified and even duty bound to fix, save, and set straight the world.

Either/Or and the Binary. Positioning or presenting options or issues as either/or — good/bad, right/wrong, with us/against us.

Worship of the Written Word. An inability or refusal to acknowledge information that is shared through stories, embodied knowing, intuition and the wide range of ways that we individually and collectively learn and know.

Individualism and I’m the Only One. The belief that "I" can determine the

right way, am entitled and/or qualified to do so, in isolation from and without

accountability to those most impacted by how I define the right way.

Defensiveness and Denial. People respond to new or challenging ideas with objections or criticism, making it very difficult to raise these ideas.

Right to Comfort, Fear of Open Conflict, and Power Hoarding. Scapegoating those who cause discomfort.

To see myself and my extended family's trauma so boldly illustrated within this context and framework was both deeply sad and ultimately relieving. I credit this article with helping me to see these family dynamics within the wider context of our dysfunctional culture.

So, dear reader, let me know how all this strikes you. Do you see yourself, your family, and the organizations you work for embodying these qualities? Do you need help shaking loose from all that? I’m here to help.