Drugs, alcohol and addiction
miseries layaway plan

It's so strange to me that I've been surrounded by addicts my entire life. Because they were closeted in their behaviors the effects on me were cognitively unknown yet quite visceral in their presentation in my body, through disease. Years and years of seeing doctors, of shaking proverbial tea leaves to discern what was wrong with Me, when it was never me after all.

I also learned something else, all of the suffering I experienced was actually a superhero capacity. I learned that my body is aware and displays symptoms and sensations when it's experiencing an awareness. It's not a linear understanding but if I stay in a state of questioning, I'll arrive at a knowing of who those sensations belong to. They are never, ever mine.

And that's the bad or perhaps good news, when something isn't yours you can not fix it - full stop. You can only be aware. Magically though, when acknowledged that something isn't yours, the condition or symptom will lift - as if by magic.

Now how does this square with living within the self-abusive domain of the addict? Well, it means when someone chooses to lead a life of shame, secrets, and denial - through addiction, they are, in fact, imposing it on you too. The abuse of self becomes an abuse of the entire family system. And if you're young, blind, kind, and idealistic, you're doomed to go down the road with them.

In the 12-step world the counterweight to the addiction groups, the family support group, Al-ANON, suggests that these partner qualities help solidify the addict’s choices. They maintain that our kindness and idealism are part of the problem. Interesting and convenient, huh?

Now if you are a typical Al-ANON member, you come from a system of addiction in your family of origin. This means you will seek to duplicate that childhood experience in your future relationships. So, from that vantage point, Al-ANON ain't wrong. We love our addicts, right? We want to support them, right? We want to live without conflict, yah? It’s this formula that solidifies miseries lay-away-plan. But make no mistake. I part with Al-ANON quite significantly and lay the responsibility on the addict who made the choice to deceive. We co-dependent, anxiously attached spouses and children play supporting roles. We may come from systems of abuse, but we are not responsible for it. No way. No how.

I've found that there's only one way out, and that is to facilitate my own consciousness by:
• Asking questions.
• Unabashedly choosing to put myself first.
• Giving up "saving" anyone.
• Being brutally honest with myself, and being brutally honest about how others in my life are operating as well.

And what about the addict? You can put that concern down now. They have the benefit of knowing their lies. You're at the deficit of having to figure it out blind. They'll chose the light of consciousness in their own time. Or they won't. And none of that is yours anymore. It never was yours to begin with.

Need help turning your lights on? You know where to find me.