You're not safe
if your person isn’t safe with themselves

The head and subhead pretty much sum it up. So this may make for a very short newsletter. But this gem of obviousness hit me sometime this summer.

I’m in a new phase of life. I’m navigating the end of a marriage. My partner in parenting is doing their damned best. Working on healing. Working on relationships with kids. Ultimately working on waking up. This is not easy stuff. It wasn’t always this way of course, but we’re all benefitting from his efforts. Everything in our collective worlds feels lighter, healthier and clearer.

And now I’m dating.

And it’s weird. Coming into contact with new faces, personalities, personas and problems is so very strange. I never opened a dating app over the course of my marriage and they certainly didn’t exist in any robust way when I met my husband 25 years ago. And so, as I’ve met new people a very curious pattern has emerged.

I am a magnet for addicts.

There, I said it. I can take a cursory glance at someone, barely glaze their profile and dollars to donuts I’ll be attracted to the person with deep, protracted substance (or other) abuse issues.

Why?

I’ve leave the nitty gritty up to the psychotherapists to figure out. But from my arm chair I can only surmise that this is pattern recognition. We feel safe with the familiar. And boy, oh boy is it fascinating how quickly we can hone in on the familiarity of the addict. Who needs caretaking? (my arm shoots up). Who needs to hide? (I offer them to stand behind me). Who needs me to take all responsibility so they don’t have to show up for their life? (Me, me me! I’ll do it!).

So what’s a single gal in the city to do? A city rife with addicts of all stripes? Well the head and subhead allude to it. I ask Truth a simple question: Is this person safe to themselves? Often the answer is no. Sometimes I just get static and don’t feel sure or certain. And yes, I do this just by looking at a profile pic! The static tells me that I don’t have enough information to go on. So, I wait, bide my time. No need to barrel ahead as I have in the past. No need to play the old familiar savior. No need to do for others what they can’t or choose not to do for themselves.

I now honor myself and my time, both valuable and precious. I now know at root, I can’t save anyone, most certainly a fellow addicted person. And why do I say “fellow”? Because saving, over doing, being co-dependent and all it’s attendant bullshit is also an addiction. It keeps us in an infinity loop of not becoming ourselves. It keeps us from showing up and shining in our own lives. And it’s high time we all cut that out. Care to join me?