And why it’s gonna be ok

I’ve spent years, many many years, studying metaphysics and reading the works of spiritual teachers. When I was in High School I read Thomas Moore’s, Care of the Soul, and was never much into light and breezy novels. I wanted to know, young and early, why the heck I was here and how was I supposed to use my existence. I was steeped in Protestantism and further conditioned by a Catholic High School, which introduced me to rigidity, dogma and an thoroughly patriarchal pov. Gratefully I never bought much into those systems, but they imprinted me nonetheless.

I inhabited societal roles: daughter, sister, friend, student, girlfriend, wife and mother. I fostered an image: competent professional, art director, seeker, intuitive, peace-maker, sensitive soul. It’s not that any one of these things was a lie. But I realized late in life that if I were truly to become myself, then inevitably, some, if not all of these roles and images would change or be scraped altogether. This was not a conscious decision. It roiled below the surface as a threat way to big for me to acknowledge. But the roiling told me just how much change was coming, and I was terrified.

I learned as early as 2009, via a voice that appeared in my head, that my dear psychic friend Marge, was my mentor. Hearing that voice, knowing it wasn’t the voice of my own ego, terrified me. I connected immediately to the truth of that voice and Marge’s enormous place in my life, but I shut its meaning down right quick. I knew the cost of acknowledging the psychic path was a price greater than I was willing to pay. In closing the door and refusing to be aware, the suffering came and and worked on me for years.

Apparently I needed to learn the hard way. I carried on, continuing to ignore this pull. I played dumb, and continued to follow the path that others and the larger culture laid out for me. Being normal and fitting in was my priority. By 2012 I was in a tailspin. I was practically levitating with anxiety and my fight or flight system was in a permanent ON position. The next five years were a blur of doctors appointments, benzodiazepine dependence and subsequent protracted withdrawal symptoms, all of it a living hell.

Finally, I chose to pivot, finally, I chose me. With small steps, I clawed my way to well-being. It was not easy, nor was it a straight line.

Over time, some of the societal roles fell away and my image was forever altered. A few people stood by me. Many more did not.

I was, admittedly, not easy to be around in this window of time. I was basically a loose wire, all charge, no ground. But I did, eventually, get to the truth of me. In the process of becoming, I deliberately chose the term: Psychic-Medium. I knew, once I’d claimed it, there was not going back. I chose to claim my weirdness with it’s fallout, attendant pressures and subsequent abandonment by others. I have exactly zero regrets, except perhaps one. I wish I’d done it a whole lot sooner.

And now, here I am. A full 10 years from that beginning and I am BEYOND grateful to be me. To be exactly where I am. I know now, this process could have been a whole lot easier and a whole lot faster. Did I need to be completely traumatized? Probably not. Could I have chosen to trust me sooner? I wish I had.

So, how about you? Have you made an unconscious commitment to learning the hard way? Have you hidden in addiction, relationship or clung to your image to avoid the invisible pull of who you actually are? Can I encourage you to give that up now? I’m here when you need me.