The beginning of the 10-year trial
a knock on the head

March 19, 2011, was a supermoon. It’s called a supermoon when it’s at perigee, the closest point to Earth in its orbit. It’s also the date that I gave birth to my youngest child. His arrival came on the heels of premonitions I had about his name which means moon. Despite having this premonition, this kid came with his own POVs and oooh so much attitude! All I could muster as an exhausted new again parent was the lament: why couldn’t the third baby be my easiest baby? I soldiered on.

In a sweet moment, that first year, I was breastfeeding him, snuggled on our big master bed. The room was quiet and filled with beautiful light. After feeding him we both drifted off. Then, out of nowhere, I felt a rap on my head. It was the kind of heavy-handed thud a friend who knows you well (and can get away with) would do as they crept up from behind you. My eyes snapped open. My eyes darted around the room, where did that come from? Who did that?

There was no answer.

I thought, HEY now - maybe this means I’m enlightened! But that idea was quickly dislodged by the sinking feeling that I, in no way, felt any more unburdened or wise than I had the previous 5 minutes. (as if experiencing enlightenment is the equivalent of instant wisdom and unburdened life circumstance - but that’s for another newsletter!).

Sadly, what unfolded from that point on is what I call the trial.

The trial picked up significant steam in 2013 and since then I managed a cascade of relentless health problems. My sex hormones tanked, my thyroid & adrenals crashed, and seemingly overnight I became super sensitive to light, sound, drink and foods that I’d once enjoyed.

The collection of illnesses I was now managing presented a string of devastating symptoms. Heart palpitations, shortness of breath, inability to cope with minor stresses, nervousness and anxiety were constant, night sweats, panic attacks, substantial weight gain, flushing or the inability to retain fluids, low blood pressure, blackouts, fatigue, depression, multiple skin cancer leisions and of course, my dear friend, insomnia. As you can imagine, I did not leave the house much.

A huge kick in the teeth was that, along the way, I broke down and asked my doctor for something ANYTHING to help me sleep. They prescribed a benzodiazepine. And thus began a 2.5-year dependence on that helluva drug. Which was then followed by protracted withdrawal symptoms – which were way worse than the original symptoms I was attempting to eliminate.

The best way I can capture the trial with words is that I felt like an orchestra conductor. But I was a conductor thrust into a spotlight – having never picked up a musical instrument in my life. Doctors (so many doctors!) were at a total loss, as was I.

Simply existing became a chore. Ironically, I thought, I’ll get all this symptom stuff figured out in 6 months, ha!

By 2018 I had found my way to a brain training program that helped me calm down the reactivity of my nervous system. I worked this program as if my entire life depended on it. In two and a half years, I would say I made a 70% improvement. Ah! Now I was finally cooking!

But what about that other 30%? Why was I still carrying around these symptoms like an albatross? Finally, I zeroed in on the skin cancer I’d been managing. And with the tools of Access Consciousness, I experienced a spontaneous remission. Like the recovery with the brain training program, it felt like a miracle. So I kept working the tools. For the most part, though, I felt like I was flying completely blind.

Then 2 things happened in the last year. First, I attended an Access class last spring. When I got up to ask a question about my relationship with my husband, I waxed on about him. What a great guy he is! My facilitator replied: What is it about your partner that you are making so perfect, that if you were not doing ‘perfection’ and were willing to actually know everything, would change all future probabilities and outcomes? Whoah, she gave me a monster of a mental wedgie. But, I must know everything about him, right? We’ve been married for 25 years right? I AM psychic, right?

A few months after that class, I was having yet another bad night, I looked over at my sleeping husband and tought...Huh, I wonder if he’s connected to my insomnia? This was the first time I pivoted in his direction and asked a question related to all the suffering of the last ten years.

What other questions could I ask that would facilitate my awareness? (hint – a lot) More next week.