The willingness to be wrong

I think we've all had a circumstance where we're on the spot. Someone, who's important, expects an answer from us. And we're paralyzed with fear. The fear is complex, perhaps we generally don't know the answer. Or perhaps we know what's true for us, and the truth of that will put us in conflict with that important person. So we make ourselves small. We shy away from our truth. We avoid being "wrong".

Or you're like a client of mine. A lovely person in a long-term relationship - a relationship that is barreling toward marriage. But there are folks close to them, disparaging the one they love. They're petrified to marry the person deemed "wrong" by their family.

This reality has done a bang-up job on us. We're such perfect little sheep. By the time we're 18, we're fully trained to march to the beat of someone else's drum. They tell us what parameters we can play within. They tell us who is acceptable and who isn't. Often they determine what we will study. I think the clinical word for all of this is co-dependence. It's rampant and it's heartbreaking.

What locks us in is the sheer terror of being wrong and its cascading effects. In the case of my client, it was abundantly clear to me that this relationship was paramount and foundational. They were the moon and she was the ocean. They belonged together.

For years she had barely been able to keep the family judgment of her beloved at bay. And now, nearing the biggest commitment of her life, the naysayers had taken over her mind. She was ready to abandon not only her beloved - but herself.

It's an awful spot to know you will go against your family by choosing the one you love. But, such is the problem with judgment and families. Judgment is always a tool of control. This situation is also not likely the only area of her life they are controlling her.

I saw kindness and a connection to her beloved. I saw them as more powerful together than apart. It's important to note, I did not "see" her in a 50-year marriage. Nor did I see a future full of joy and charm. Those are not a given, those are a choice that couples endeavor together. But the prospects looked good.

Perhaps in 2023, you'll check in with you. Are you reeling from the control and judgment of family, friends, religion, or culture? There's a way out. You simply choose yourself, again and again. I’m here to encourage you if need be.