From One of My Biggest Critics

I don’t talk much in my newsletters about being a parent. There’s an awful lot to say. Mostly from the POV of how I’m winging it and don’t really know what I’m doing. Well, maybe 18 years in, that’s not entirely true, I may know a little.

An understanding that brought so much ease in parenting has been that I can't control my kid - much as I've tried. Nor can I control their life experience and the hard knocks they may receive. I’ve definitely tried, like most mothers, to prevent my kids from experiencing pain. Side note: it doesn’t work in the long run and it’s exhausting.

What I can give them is something great and even more precious than the avoidance of pain. I can encourage their ability to Be, Know, Perceive and Receive. I’ll spend time in future emails unpacking each of these attributes. But for today I’ll focus on their ability to Know.

I spent years telling my kids that when they ride the train alone, without us chaperoning, they need to listen to their gut. That if something enters their awareness and they sense it is off, IT IS OFF, and they should follow that knowing to a place of safety. Now that they’re older I’ve expanded it to apply to absolutely everything (and yes, I should have encouraged this earlier). When something like this occurs, where we tend to get stuck, is that we look around and see what others are doing. Perhaps they’re not reacting, or they’re avoiding, and what you get stuck in is the Thinking. It’s really important to distinguish between Knowing and Thinking. Knowing is instantaneous. Thinking requires an assessment of what’s going on outside of you + time. The ability to listen and ultimately follow your own knowing is a rare gift called agency.

My oldest is in college now. She’s had a front-row seat to my total implosion and resurrection. I would not have chosen that for her. But, alas, here we are. During her winter break, she shared with me an essay she wrote about her role model. I was honored and struck that she chose me. Here are some highlights of my favorite 5 star review. Enjoy – and follow your knowing…

When someone asks me who my role model is, I always say it's my mom. She has always proven to be there when I needed her the most. And she pushes me to do the things that make me happy.

After my mom decided to quit her corporate job, It was a struggle for a while. It was hard seeing my mom face backlash from her family, and not get the respect that she deserves. But ultimately her hard work paid off. Because of her, I know to stick with what is going to make me happy, and that it may be hard at first but it will always pay off.

I have seen my mom make mistakes because no matter who your role model is, no one is perfect. But I’m grateful that I’ve been able to see when she messes up, because I don't want the person I look up to put on a facade, and she is the most honest person I know. Her honesty has allowed me to see that there is always a brighter side to the things that happen in life, and that you can only move forward.

When I think of her I think of a woman who through ups and downs has never given up, and it gives me the motivation to keep pushing no matter what I encounter.