The necessary and painful path of shadow work

After I left the corporate world, years ago. I set out on my own, excited and terrified of what was to come. I think I could best describe myself at the time as equal parts magical and terrified. I was deeply attached to the magical part. So attached that I even had towels monogrammed.

This of course left me way out of balance and anxious. I felt like I was in a state of constant carbonation - like a can of soda that had been shaken - ready to bust.

At the time I was doing a lot of tarot for myself which I gravitate toward when feeling lost. Over a few weeks I got the Tower card three times. The Tower card, as most folks agree, means, change is a ‘comin! But it’s not a pedestrian change. It’s the type of change where everything crumbles and burns to the ground in order for new growth to take root. To say I was FREAKED OUT was an understatement.

What change was coming? What would befall me?

Then, I had an extraordinary dream. I was standing alone in a white box of a studio apartment with a large window that faced an ocean with no shoreline. I watched the horizon intently as I stared out that window. To my shock and horror I witnessed a cataclysmic storm making its way toward me. The anticipation and dread was nothing like I’d ever experienced before or since. The dream concluded with an enormous crack of thunder, everything turned to midnight and the wind of the storm whipped around and enveloped me.

In my waking life I carried on as best I could. Till finally, my body, in it’s extraordinary wisdom, decided it was time to be my teacher. It brought me to a grinding halt. I then began the long and arduous task of trying to figure it all out. I carelessly thought that the process of “healing” would take 6 months! HA, said my body.

This shadow work has been a nine year journey thus far. I have experienced extraordinary lows inhabiting my body. I came to understand that I had completely checked out on myself. I followed and even mimicked others so that I could fit in and be “acceptable”. I knew this and continued to do it anyway because it allowed me to hide. That’s how frightened I was of becoming.

I this window of time, I have faced excruciating judgment and endured emotional violence from those who have claimed to “love me”. I have metabolized unbelievable losses.

And now, on the other side, what I’ve gained is impossible to measure. I have access to a joy and freedom that I did not know was possible. I chose myself under the most extreme circumstances. I rejected the conditioning that creates the vicious cycle of generational trauma within my family. In short, I became.

After I left the corporate world, I could best describe myself at the time as equal parts magical and terrified. I was so attached to the magical part I even had towels monogrammed.

This left me way out of balance and anxious.

At the time I was doing a lot of tarot for myself and over a few weeks I got the Tower card three times. To say I was FREAKED OUT was an understatement.

What change was coming? What would befall me?

Then, I had an extraordinary dream. I was standing alone in a studio apartment with a large window that faced an ocean with no shoreline. As I watched the horizon intently to my shock and horror I witnessed a cataclysmic storm making its way toward me. The anticipation and dread was nothing like I’d ever experienced before or since. The dream concluded with an enormous crack of thunder, everything turned to midnight and the wind of the storm whipped around and enveloped me.

In my waking life I carried on as best I could. Till finally, my body, in it’s extraordinary wisdom, brought me to a grinding halt. I then began the long and arduous task of trying to figure it all out. I carelessly thought that the process of “healing” would take 6 months! HA, said my body.

In this window of time, I have faced excruciating judgment and endured emotional violence from those who have claimed to “love me”. I have metabolized unbelievable losses.

Can I help you in your own becoming? Let me know, I’m here to help.