Feeling powerful
it’s a long game

Marge told me of her intention to gift me her yellow house, upon her departure, what feels like a million years ago, maybe 2009. It felt so large, so monumental, that despite my joy upon acknowledging her intention, I have to admit it was tough to integrate. I knew the gift in and of itself, had to do with my becoming. And I also knew, down to my bones, I was in NO WAY prepared to receive this gift and the monumental change required of me – to be worthy of it’s receipt.

And who was I to become? This question was absolutely terrifying to me. It was a void - a total unknown. What would be required of me? What would the journey entail? I know now, in retrospect, the terror was justified. I have literally changed, down to every cell in my body, in the time since. Needless to say, I am profoundly grateful to be on this side of things. To finally – after so much of life shifting and shaping me – to be in my power.

Hmm…power. We all likely have a conflicted relationship to that word. If you’re like me you’ve often felt yourself on the ass end of it. This looks like being at the mercy of forces beyond your control. It looks like feeling powerless. It looks like being perpetually hurt by the ones that say they love you. It looks like allowing others, usually inferior to you, have a voice in who you are becoming.

And what gets you in your power? Choosing it.

That’s it. I wish it were a more complicated formula. I wish it were a widget that in pressing the buttons, turning the dials and manuvering the levers you’d get you to that red-hot power position of YOU, all of you.

But there is no widget. And choosing sounds much easier said than done, right? So, some questions to help jolt you from your pitiful, sad-sack, powerless state:

Who am I being when I refuse to acknowledge my power?
What energy, space and consciousness can me and my body be, right now, to feel my power fully and viscerally?
Who benefits most from my lack of power, in this friendship? In this marriage? In this work experience?
What future probabilities would be available to me if I chose to acknowledge my power?

This is a good start. Remember, we’re not looking for cognitive answers. Let consciousness have a crack at leading you. You’ve made a big decision just in the asking.

Need more oompf to set these questions off? A lot of these other practices are helpful too: speaking up, helping and being a value to others, pushing your chest out, standing in a power position – arms outstretched above, legs straddled, speaking aloud and claiming your power, ecstatic dance to empowering music, the love and support of good people (those who don’t judge you). And of course, time. Time, like the distance between 2009 and now, is an amazing balm. Allow that to do it’s gentle work on you too. As always, here if you need me.