The Bad Halloween Party

The Bad Halloween Party
get a clue, get happy, stay there

The Halloween before the pandemic changed everything I hosted an epic Halloween party. There were 18 family and friends at my house, the most I'd ever hosted and it was grand. We skipped the next two years naturally. And as the pandemic was tentatively winding down I hosted again. Because of everyone's hesitance, only 10 or so people showed up. We wore masks and had fun anyway. By the following year 1 person showed and my own kids had outgrown the tradition. I carried on, and regardless of the single digit guest list ordered pizza and made more than a dozen ghoulish cupcakes. Sitting with my one friend at my kitchen table it was truly obvious to me that I had no clue.

Why hadn't I changed course? Why didn't I suggest that this friend and I grab an autumn themed drink at a bar for some adult fun? Why did I resist change?

The best I can answer is that whatever new way I was supposed to go wasn't lit up like a runway. But there was also another clue I refused to acknowledge. I wasn't happy. I'd let myself get so conditioned by this reality to sacrifice myself for my family, that I had long stopped computing my own joy into our family's equation. 

My inside voice wondered when I would laugh again. I wondered when I would dance again. Perhaps I knew the winds of change were brewing, but, at a gut level, knowing the gravity of it, I resisted.

What would have happened if I'd allowed myself to acknowledge me? What would have happened if I had prioritized my joy? Well I suspect my marriage may have ended a whole lot sooner. And that is not something I could face. 

Ultimately what I resisted, till the very end, was exactly what would bring me, and my family, joy: being out of a committed,  monogamous marriage. Now our kids have a chance to see us parents as flawed people cultivating a precious thing: their joy and wellbeing. Rather than two folks who were simply upholding an institution.

Now I am completely free, no more divorcing myself from myself.

So where are you divorcing you from you? Where are you denying your body, your joy, your intellect in your work, your family, your partnerships? What have you made so vital, valuable and real that you can't change it? Is it possible that today, you could begin to acknowledge you? Some tough decisions may need to be made, I'm here if you need me.

Too cool for school?

Too cool for school?
In that quest have you abandoned your awareness?

I got these little gems of questions from the book, Would You Teach A Fish to Climb a Tree, by Anne Maxwell, LCSW. It’s an absolutely brilliant book geared towards parents of children who show up different, who have autism, ADHD, OCD, etc. And I HIGHLY recommend it for just about anyone who feels like they’ve never fit in.

Anyway, these questions reminded me of someone I know, a genius really. They’re full of vim, vigor, promise and talent. Having been diagnosed with ADHD late in life, they’ve rejected the diagnosis. They also struggle with being authentically themselves. They’re deeply affected by the people, places and things around them. It’s hard for them to know where they stop and another person starts. They have a huge talent for being a chameleon. You can likely guess that this leaves a lot of questions from the people around them, because it can appear that this person has no personal identity, is shallow or worse, manipulative. 

And the cool thing? They are also deeply committed to being super fucking coooool. They are impossibly stylish. They follow the latest trends of just about everything. And ooh, boy oh boy, do they judge! Not in on the latest and greatest? You’re ripe for judgment. Not judging others in the same way or to the same degree that they judge others? Yup, you’re judged again. 

You get the picture. And you can see, in short order, how being around someone like this can be completely exhausting. Is this person hopeless? No. They’re figuring it out after dragging themselves through multiple addictions. Addictions to turn off the noise of all the insistent outside forces that they’ve been mimicing. Addictions managed so they could just be. Turns out, being cool and not simply being aware has wrung them out.

And the final addiction? To being cool? I wonder how it will play out. To give up image for the sake of finding one’s own authenticity is no easy task. Especially when those you’ve come to depend on expect you to show up a certain way. You risk the loss of a lot of relationships in that quest for authenticity. (psst…this is always a risk worth taking! Jump in! The waters fine!)

So, how about you? Do you have a commitment to the image of being cool? What’s the personal cost to you? Likely a lot. How do you fix this pattern? You begin by using your awareness. The body is the best place to start under circumstances like this. How does it actually feel to be a bystander at a fashion show or film shoot? Do you feel warm and fuzzy? Or does a kinetic, disquieting buzz take residence in your core? When you judge a friend who isn’t following the latest and greatest, can you sense the disconnection within your own body? Can you be aware of what’s going on in the body of the person you just judged?

See awareness and body are inextricably linked. And thank god for that! Checking in with body is a great way into awareness because unlike your mind, your body isn’t trying to prove anything to you. It doesn’t care for the latest trend. It’s a faithful servant. Your very best friend. And it has absolutely no idea how cool you think you are, nor does it care. It simply knows and affirms all of your povs. Like it or not. And povs can always be changed. If we’re willing.

Sexual Healing

Sexual Healing
i bet i have your attention…

Welcome to a new awareness! You know me…As I unpack my life in front of you all we’ve made some important discoveries together!

I talked weeks back about the spontaneous and miraculous remission of the entrails of chronic illness that I’d been managing. At the conclusion of my marriage – poof! It all just went away. Still feels like a miracle. What I’ve discovered in the time since is how incredibly sensitive I am to energies (yes, all of them: entities, POVs, other people’s judgments, emotions, and on and on). 

When I first got into energy work, I gotta admit, I thought, “This is bullshit”. It began with Reiki, which I had some very interesting experiences with, but never felt “healed” by. Then on to the Access Consciousness system I now use, called “the Bars”. From my first class, I felt like someone put an energetic firecracker up my, well, you know. I was on fire. I had tons of energy. I didn’t need as much food or rest. Plot points in my life just started to miraculously line up. And then of course, 2 sudden remissions from two nasty diagnoses, all made a true believer out of me.

So, what does this have to do with sex? Turns out, in relationship, my body was siphoning off all the dysfunction from my marriage and partner. I was attempting to reconcile or heal all their stuff by transmuting it through my body. This is not a cognitive process. The body, sneaky little devil that it is, just does this without question (for some of us, not all of us). It’s a giver, a healer, a lover if you will. And what happens when you try to heal a partner without their consent (or your awareness for that matter), by using your own body? It will dynamically eff you up big time – enter chronic illness!

And do I know how ludicrous this sounds to average people? Yup! Am I talking to average people? Nope! If none of this resonates with you, you are not likely a sexual healer. If you’ve been in a long-standing relationship and also have long-standing health problems, maybe you could test the veracity of this for yourself. Inching toward this could simply begin with opening your mind to a different pov. Much like me going from: “this energy work stuff is BS” to “what the hell do I have to lose?”.

Is healing from all this a straight line? I guess it could be, we can hope for the best right? But in my experience, it was a jangled line – a muddled trajectory. But I did get to where I was aiming for. I did eventually figure it all out. Key strategies for me?

• Asking: Is this mine? of everything that shows up in my body.

• Getting weekly energy work for the last 2.5 years (I offer a weekly trade for $15 for folks who’ve taken my class!)

• Being willing to make serious, very difficult, life-altering decisions

There you go! Easy peasy right? I joke, of course. None of it was “easy”. But was it worth it? Hell to the yes. Can I help you get to your own “hell yes!”. I hope so. You know where to find me.

Gurus. Greater then you?

Gurus. Greater then you?
they speak – you listen

A long time ago I took a psychic development class. It was good. It was interesting. I didn’t necessarily agree with all the pov’s the instructor had, but I realized that it was more about the time spent. Time spent with good people (mostly) who had the same objective as me. Time spent honing my craft and thinking of my skills and gifts in a different light. 

I took this class against the backdrop of a lifetime of leading myself. In high school I read Thomas Moore’s, Care of the Soul. I don’t remember a word of it, but I somehow thought it would get me closer to enlightenment - whatever that was. After college I found my way to You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise L. Hay. I never thought of myself as traumatized so didn’t really understand why I reached for this book at the time. I bet it had a lot to do with the rainbow heart of the cover. It turned out to be a pivotal read for me. Louise turned me inward and got me to look at, listen to and cherish me. What a profound concept.

Back in the psychic development class we did a meditation exercise to connect us with our Spirit Guide(s). It was a simple enough assignment via guided meditation. As soon as I closed my eyes the room populated. Shimmering silhouettes of people of all backgrounds filled the space, roaming about. In front of me walked a First Nation Indigenous Elder. I was thunderstruck when not 5 seconds later my instructor mentioned this Elder as his guide and to not be surprised if we saw him. What the what?!

During the guided meditation I dropped into a deep place. I entered a room in which I would meet MY guide. When, much to my surprise and dismay, out popped a figure in an Easter Bunny costume.

Alright, wtf?

A room full of wise folks arrived for my classmates, all in the ether and I get a second rate bunny? I recall at the time, a knowing rushed into me. I didn’t need to “know” my guides. As long as they gave me verifiable information and did not ask me to cause harm, who was I to judge the suit they were in? Maybe I had so many guides that I was sent this cosmic joke just to eff with me? Entirely possible I thought.

In the years since I’ve watched many a polished guru come and go. There are those that hit the best sellers lists and there are those that can fill auditoriums and keep people waiting hours upon hours for a hug. I have no judgment toward any of it, but I’ve always found it curious – this intense seeking outside of oneself.

I know personally the herculean task of learning how to trust myself and that bunny. It requires quiet and stillness. It requires brutal honesty and self investigation. It requires a very big sense of humor and the ability to not take yourself too seriously. It also requires that you reject everything I just wrote and do it your own damn way. 

And that bunny? He never showed up again.

So what would it take for you to listen to you? I can hear the cacophony of voices decrying: but what about all the chatter in my head? What about all the anxiety and depression? I got ya. Try asking this question every time you think a thought, have a feeling or an emotion: Who does this belong to? Don’t look for a cognitive response. The act of questioning your thoughts is enough for now. If the question lightens everything up it’s not yours. 

And that’s the crux of it. What if everything that floats through your awareness isn’t yours? That space is the birthplace of your own psychic awareness. And when practiced enough you’ll quickly realize that there is no voice outside of you, no god head and no guru that is greater than you. You are great FOR you. You are enough to lead you. And is it also OK to have some occasional help? Certainly, I seek it out too. 

And would I ever stand on a line for a hug? Indeed I did. When Louise L. Hay rolled into town and spoke at a conference I got the chance to stand in a very long line and I received a loving, kind and compassionate hug from my hero. I’ll be forever grateful for her guidance.

Dedicated to Paul and Kenny.
Cherished classmates. Gone too soon.

You're not safe

You're not safe
if your person isn’t safe with themselves

The head and subhead pretty much sum it up. So this may make for a very short newsletter. But this gem of obviousness hit me sometime this summer.

I’m in a new phase of life. I’m navigating the end of a marriage. My partner in parenting is doing their damned best. Working on healing. Working on relationships with kids. Ultimately working on waking up. This is not easy stuff. It wasn’t always this way of course, but we’re all benefitting from his efforts. Everything in our collective worlds feels lighter, healthier and clearer.

And now I’m dating. 

And it’s weird. Coming into contact with new faces, personalities, personas and problems is so very strange. I never opened a dating app over the course of my marriage and they certainly didn’t exist in any robust way when I met my husband 25 years ago. And so, as I’ve met new people a very curious pattern has emerged. 

I am a magnet for addicts.

There, I said it. I can take a cursory glance at someone, barely glaze their profile and dollars to donuts I’ll be attracted to the person with deep, protracted substance (or other) abuse issues.

Why?

I’ve leave the nitty gritty up to the psychotherapists to figure out. But from my arm chair I can only surmise that this is pattern recognition. We feel safe with the familiar. And boy, oh boy is it fascinating how quickly we can hone in on the familiarity of the addict. Who needs caretaking? (my arm shoots up). Who needs to hide? (I offer them to stand behind me). Who needs me to take all responsibility so they don’t have to show up for their life? (Me, me me! I’ll do it!).

So what’s a single gal in the city to do? A city rife with addicts of all stripes? Well the head and subhead allude to it. I ask Truth a simple question: Is this person safe to themselves? Often the answer is no. Sometimes I just get static and don’t feel sure or certain. And yes, I do this just by looking at a profile pic! The static tells me that I don’t have enough information to go on. So, I wait, bide my time. No need to barrel ahead as I have in the past. No need to play the old familiar savior. No need to do for others what they can’t or choose not to do for themselves.

I now honor myself and my time, both valuable and precious. I now know at root, I can’t save anyone, most certainly a fellow addicted person. And why do I say “fellow”? Because saving, over doing, being co-dependent and all it’s attendant bullshit is also an addiction. It keeps us in an infinity loop of not becoming ourselves. It keeps us from showing up and shining in our own lives. And it’s high time we all cut that out. Care to join me?

Your inner goldmine

Your inner goldmine
is your commitment to living

I wrote a couple of weeks ago about how adept I was at committing to things that weren't working. There is, of course, an upside to having a strong ‘make it work' ethic too. 

If you've read these dispatches for any length of time you've seen me be unsparing with myself in regard to seeking and embodying rigorous truth. I'm not just truthful about the tough stuff I've been through. I can be honest about the good stuff too.

So here goes…Between 2013-2018 I was pretty committed to feeling like shit. Days, weeks , months, years spent battling the symptoms of chronic illness that ko’d me. Till finally I chose to heal my body.

After five years navigating the medical industrial complex and not getting anywhere, I dug in. The healing program I was in required an enormous commitment of time, creativity and mental energy. The results were astounding in that there was immediate improvement. But the improvements waxed and waned as I navigated the gold mine of disease I had yet to unearth. Regardless, I showed up and did the work, relentlessly for close to three years. I had gotten about 70% better, but I didn't stop there. I knew in my bones there was a bottom to this mine. Eventually, I found my way to consciousness and inquiry. What I discovered was that all disease I was experiencing came from my unwillingness to have total awareness. With total awareness my body was able to heal, spontaneously and miraculously. No more digging, no more mining, I could be in the light in mere minutes, if I chose.  

Can your commitment to living be a journey? Yup. And all good subterranean journeys are grounded in principles. The ones that guided me? 

• Never give up

• Never give in

• Never back down

• Never settle

If you need a journeyman to help light the way, I'm here if you need me.

A Well-Meaning Albatross

A well-meaning albatross
that parents go first

That's a lie I was stuck with by a well-meaning therapist. Seven years of family therapy and this was drilled into our collective heads. That we should strive for this ideal, that parents go first. 

What does parents go first mean? Boiled down, it’s that parents ought to lead their kids. It’s that parents ought to heal first, all their traumas and dramas, so that their children can be free. It’s that ultimately, parents are the ones to light the path for their children.

Is there any track record for this being an achievable reality? No, it’s not a reality. It’s a fantasy. And it’s the kind of fantasy that is an albatross that can really tax an entire generation or two of a family.

When I posited my own pov, that made me feel super light, to our family therapist, that I believed my parents did the best they could with the skills they had at the time. She barked: that wasn’t good enough! Ha! Her care and savior energy for me and my sisters was as admirable as it was detrimental.

So, what’s kinder and in alignment with reality? That our kids go first. I learned this multiple times parenting my three kiddos. This last year in particular opened my eyes to this truth. Without my kid going through a major crisis I would not have woken up to the end of my marriage. It’s that plain. It’s that simple. Our home was sick and I was busy tra-la-lalling and making cupcakes, not acknowledging what was. Thank God for my kid waking us all up from our collective fantasy.

So, parents go first isn’t true. So, how about you? Feel into the pockets of your life. Into all the beliefs, points of view and judgments. Can you tell which ones are lies? Which beliefs, points of view and judgments feel heaviest, most conflicted and contracted to you? Are those sticking you? Can you feel how punishing those are? 

And that’s the best place to begin. Could it be that that which makes us feel contracted and heavy is a lie? Give this a shot. I wonder how much lighter you can let yourself feel.

Raking Leaves

Raking Leaves
on a windy day

This is a true story of futility

Many moons ago, as a new and anxious homeowner, I was, how shall we say, eager. As many homeowners know, there is always something to do. And on this particular day, I dug in, raking leaves on the windiest of November mornings. My old seasoned neighbor, who saw me working furiously, gave me a sideways glance. What in the hell was I doing? 

And this is the template by which so many of my life choices have been made. Digging in. Not looking up. Getting lost in the work. Not acknowledging myself or my very being. Sacrificing myself to systems, families, people, and positions. And when things start to go sideways, I’ve dug in even harder.

And that folks is how you spend 17 years in a career that you hate. And as an added bonus, it’s how you spend 25 years in a marriage, trying to “make it work” when the possibility of making it work never existed in the first place.

Do you do this too? I hope not to the same degree as me. The ultimate price we pay? Lost time, stolen possibilities, joy deferred. Is it all for naught? No, it’s not. But it sure as hell makes you feel wistful.

So, how is your commitment to futility? How is your commitment to “making it work”? Can I ask you to pay special attention to when you agree to that? Its not that you should always bolt for the door. But perhaps we can consider a life filled with much more ease, joy and glory? Can I ask you to demand more from yourself and for yourself? 

Begin by asking this one simple question: What else is possible? I look forward to seeing how the universe answers that for you.

The Lie of Stuck

The Lie of Stuck
enter the chaos of new choices

A lot of psychic sessions start this way. Folks who've been in a holding pattern for months, sometimes years, unable to see their alternatives. 

We get to be like a dog with a bone, don't we? So fixated on how we thought it would play out that we've lost perspective on the whole.  

This is really a story of control isn't it? Do you know how controlling you are? Well, take comfort! You're in good company! A quick glance at control informs us that we do it because we inherently don’t trust life. We’ve got no sense of connectivity to each other, to nature, to the cosmos or any divine order. This shows up in the form of statements, assumptions and conclusions, even righteousness. We believe we’re completely and utterly adrift and we’ll do just about anything to achieve certainty. But is anything certain? 

What if, the energy with which you create your life is an interconnected and chaotic space. Non-linear and totally threatening to our yearning for order. Is it possible that we can learn to get comfortable with chaos? Can we learn to ease up control? 

I've played with all of this first hand. Especially in the areas of business and relationship. In business I took marketing courses, spent money on ads, all to not discernible uptick in jewelry sales (yeah I did that too). In relationship, I dug in, remained committed to an institution and person that had long ago left me out of their equation. 

Then I let go of it, all of it.

In business I decided to try it a different way. I decided that if I didn't feel good, if I wasn't in a state of joy, then I wasn't likely making money. That simple. So I put down the hustle and grind culture that I was mimicking and last year, the year I made this pivot, I made 15K more then the previous year. Not bad!

Relationship was a bit stickier and trickier. And this is worthy of a whole different newsletter, but in the chaos of my kids severe struggling, I surrendered to the complete and utter chaos of not having any idea of what I was doing as a parent. I showed up for them the best I could. I welcomed the help of professionals who stepped in (thank god for them)! And then I went Rollerskating. Yes, you got that right. In the midst of my kids severe crisis I chose me. It was in the middle of that decision, to choose joy in the darkest hours, that I awakened to knowing my marriage was over. I was submerged in a state of complete and total chaos.

It's in these moments that we fear chaos will swallow us whole. That we’ll circle the drain endlessnessly. That we’ll finally succumb to some unknown detrimental force. But that isn't what happens at all.

What does happen is that chaos brings new choices. And with every new choice, new avenues open up. You may not always like the new options, that's ok just pick one anyway. They choices will keep growing more attractive over time. How will that happen?. By making choices that:

• Bring you a sense of ease and lightness

• By ignoring obligation and all the coulds and shoulds

• By prioritizing your pleasure including and most especially sexual pleasure

You'll be infinitely better positioned to get what you want this way. Versus making decisions the old way, prioritizing others and negating yourself. So can I encourage you to let go of the reins a bit? As someone who's been in the ditch can I assure you getting up and dusting yourself off is not so bad after all? Can I let you know that the end of things equally brings new beginnings?

As always, here if you need me.

The Hairdresser, the Comedian and the Filmmaker

The Hairdresser, the Comedian and the Filmmaker
stories of supernatural help

The road to realization can be long. Though I get that's not always true for everyone. I envy folks who have lightning-fast intuitions and easy-peasy realizations that come together on short timelines. That has not generally been my experience. 

What I'm talking about are subtle pings of premonition, intuition, and psychic activity. There have been a few in my life that have been on a slow boil, sometimes for many years. 

The Hairdresser

I was sick, really sick for a long time. Till one day I decided to crawl my way out. This wasn't a linear decision. It began with me, FINALLY deciding to take a crack at doing practice psychic mediumship readings online. It was then that I was pleasantly surprised that I knew some things about their lives that by rights, I ought not to know. 

Concurrent to this, I kept getting a recurring little nag in my head and it just said one phrase: The Hairdresser. 

Now, WTF does that mean? Given my new burgeoning, albeit free business, was I supposed to market myself to Hairdressers and the beauty industry? I assumed yes and created some ads, losing money and time in that decision. 

What showed up 2 years later finally answered this question. In the management of the cluster of chronic health conditions, I would frequent a few FB groups and occasionally see the acronym DNRS. Not intrigued, I simply wrote it off. Till one day someone with a similar disease profile wrote something so specific to what my own experience had been and connected her recovery to this mysterious DNRS. She generously offered to speak to me about it. When I got on the call in our brief introductions she mentioned she was a hairdresser. Huh, now that's interesting I thought. I discovered that the energy of the ping I got matched the energy of this woman and our conversation. This led to my discovery of the science of neuroplasticity. Which then helped me create a committed path to reclaiming my health and my life.

The Comedian

The next ping that arrived said: Comedian. Now I love all things comedy. But to be clear, I am a consumer of comedy and in no way an artist of the form. What was I to do with this ping? Sit on it. And so I did. 

Years later in 2018 my friends Kate and Emily reached out and asked if I'd be a guest on their podcast, Witchcast. I gave an enthusiastic YES, then a big gulp. This decision would require me to metabolize my fear of being a public psychic medium and to begin to get ok with being judged for it. 

As I got to know them I learned they are both really funny women. And Kate in particular has been in the stand up world. Zing, this matched the lightness of the ping I got called: Comedian. And not only can I count these gals as friends, but this decision expanded my world and business in ways that continue to widen my world.

The Filmaker

I did millions of kid drop offs and pickups at the public school directly across the street from Marge's little yellow house. It was 2011, well before I had a clue of what my vocation would be, and this ping came: Filmmaker. The timing was interesting because this ping got really loud concurrent to the release of the documentary Battle For Brooklyn. As luck would have it, those filmmakers were fellow parents at the school. Naturally my logical mind wanted to connect this ping to physical reality. I assumed they (or some filmmaker) would find the story of Marge and I so interesting they'd want to make a film about us! Hello ego! 

Eight long years weant by before Emily F. reached out and invited me to coffee to discuss doing a short doc about Marge and I. What she and Amit, her producing partner put together was a dream come true. She perfectly captured the collective spirits of Me, Marge and the little yellow house and crafted our story with tenderness. It's really beautiful, have a look here.

Whew, and there you have it. Having awareness, sometimes years in advance isn't easy. But if we can back off and stay in the question and in the wonder of the unfolding, life can be a more comfortable ride. Can you give it a try? I’m here to hold your hand if you need me.

White, straight, cis, woman, me

White, straight, cis, woman, me
identifications, do they serve you?

The title of this dispatch includes some of the ways I am identified in this reality system. There are so many more that I have identified with or that have been projected on me. Some more are: Black sheep, Chronically Ill, Savior, Addict ( I preferred Chemically Dependent), Codependent, White & Gentrifier (ack, Karen!), Mother, Wife, Daughter, Designer (till I managed to uplevel to Art Director, go me!)

Ahem…this is a lot, and it's not even an extensive list!

I got inspired to unpack the issue of identification when I did an Instagram post on addiction recently. As I was recording it I got a wave of tense energy. Almost as if I could feel in my body the collective resistance to the term “addict”. 

We can get lost in any one of these identifications. And I get, viscerally, how they can help people to feel safe, seen, and supported in some of them. But is that safety true?

Back when I identified as chronically ill I joined a million mailing lists. I got “support” in what felt like a metric ton of Facebook groups. And then I decided to get well. Yes, go back and please read that again. In fact, the energy was bigger than a decision, I made a DEMAND to get well. That's the funny thing about the Universe, it really likes when you DEMAND. 

Then I buckled down to the business of getting well. The universe lit my path and provided me with many choices. And with every ongoing decision I made I checked in with myself to see if the energy of the options I had to choose from matched the energy of the WELL BEING I suspected was possible.

And then I kept bumping into those mailings and getting constant alerts from the FB groups. I had to acknowledge that not one of these “supports” matched the energy of what I was going for. And that was it. I had to begin to disassemble my identity as chronically ill.

In all this, I wondered about how our identities can encourage us to disconnect from our awareness and knowing. And I began to ask questions. Is it true that once you're an “addict” you'll always be an addict, as we learn in the 12 steps? 

Or could this also be true, that addicts are people who have used any manner of things to shunt their own awareness and knowing? And that perhaps if they make a lifelong commitment to their knowing and awareness their need for their substance, whatever it may be, could diminish? 

That feels more true, even kinder, to me. 

So, where do your co-mingling identities slow you down and trip you up? Have you ever noticed that in your identity groups, you've gotten lost in the charge of groupthink? Witnessed the unconscious behaviors of those around you? And that's the tough part of identity, it encourages us to check out. To give up our awareness and knowing. Maybe today could be a little different. Maybe you could claim the difference you are? I'm here to receive all of that ❤️

The Rightness of Addiction

The Rightness of Addiction
may point your way out of it, if you choose

Oh, my dear addicts, y'all are so dang close to my heart! Having been on both sides, as both a co-dependent and as someone addicted to Clonazepam for 2.5 years, I know my way around this issue. If the word "addict" is hard for you, swap it out with "dependence".

So, what's right about being addicted?

Bet you've never heard that question before. I met someone recently who disclosed that they needed to remain high while in the presence of their life partner. Oof. Can you imagine living with that weight on your heart? To have to be medicated just to spend time with the person who says they love you? Sounds remarkably painful.

Now multiply that times every relationship in the addicted person's life. That amounts to a lot of substance (or other) abuse!

Now I don't pretend to know all the facets of addiction. But I suspect that one angle to it is that the person who's in the grip of it is medicating away their own awareness. So whatever judgments they are exposed to, especially the unspoken ones, are very loud in the addict's body and mind. But they are not affirmed for being super Aware and super psychic. Just the opposite in fact. They are gaslit into the stratosphere. It's no wonder they need the escape!

A great place to start addressing this (if you'd like to choose to wrestle You back from addiction) is to know that you know.

Know how aware and psychic you actually are. Watch for when the co-dependents or others invested in your addiction draw you into their circular, nobody wins arguments. Then based on your awareness and observations - Make new choices.

That's it. Freedom can be yours.

Did I gloss over a whole lot? Yup. Is change easy, not always. Will you break a few eggs? Very likely. Will you be judged within an inch of your life? I'm certain of it. Might you end up alone and/or feel lonely? Probably.

But what happens if you choose you? What happens when you prove to you that you know how to care for you better than the co-dependents "care" for you?

What if you choose what you know is true? How much more can you be you? How much greater can your life be? Can you choose that? There's only one way to find out, and that's to make the leap. I hope to see you on the other side.

PSA for all my fellow co-dependents

PSA for all my fellow co-dependents
time to reclaim YOU!

This is a quick dispatch from the front lines for those of us who have addicts in our lives.

What if you got, finally, that you can’t save anyone? I think this is the hardest piece to accept. We think that by giving up controlling and judging the addicts in our lives it’s a short hop and skip to their ultimate demise. So we don our savior caps, jump in and make it our job to do the savior routine. And how’s that working for you? Not so great I bet. The fact is they will either live or die, and nothing you say, do, or attempt to manipulate can change that. They are choosing addiction and only they can choose recovery. Is it easy? Nope. Can you change that for them? Double nope.

And here’s a massive wrinkle to consider…how much of your control and manipulation is actually a judgment of them? Ah yes, judgment – the quick-crete of this reality. Could it be possible that your judgment is in fact helping to fuel their addiction? I wonder what would happen if you gave that up?

A solution? Get into allowance of everyone’s choices. Let addicts choose. And let you do you Boo. You have your whole life to live, can you choose it?

Being Pathetic

Being Pathetic
and what’s required to gtfo of that

Back in 2018, I suffered what’s called adult-onset trauma. Essentially close family members, people who’d told me they loved me unconditionally, collectively turned on me. But it didn’t end there. They used their power, time, and attention to turn every other family member against me as well. It was war, everyone against me. It was an emotionally devasting bloodbath. The effect this had on my body, life, and living can’t be underestimated. I suffered profoundly for over 2 years. 

Relentless insomnia, anxiety, depression, an exaggerated startle response and so much more. I was diagnosed with PTSD and C-PTSD. I didn’t put together, till much later, that all of the physical symptoms were my body’s awareness of their plotting and planning against me. Awareness of the truckload of lies they were spreading about me. It would come in waves that seemed to track with the “family meetings” they had to discuss the problem of Emily. Being an empath, under these extreme circumstances, with my sensate, spherical, somatic awareness, was both a gift and largely a curse.

What had I done that was so evil, mean, and vicious as to be compared to Hitler and the killers of Matthew Shepard? Yeah, they went there. To compare intergenerational family trauma to geopolitical insanity and lethal rage for queer folks seemed a tad over the top within the context of our family therapy session. And the fact that our “therapist” did nothing to reign their abuse in further solidified what I knew to be true. That everyone had collectively lost their fucking minds, the therapist included.

So, I staggered forward. I managed and not very well if I’m honest. I was profoundly pathetic. I tried negotiating with them for a while. But I could no longer be controlled. They could not stomach not controlling me. So, we were collectively done. I, for the first time, chose me, and I have not ever looked back.

From there I settled into a deep hurt. But I also blossomed which gratefully confirmed I’d made the right choice. One day, after I had declared that I was no longer in the fight, a family member who was still under the collective familial delusion, reached out. A sweet and manipulative email, attempting to draw me back into the fight. 

My response? To FINALLY get angry. Finally, after years of abuse, I had access to my rage. I didn’t need to let it all out, I just needed to express the top notes. The fragrance of my rage was enough.

And that was it. After a lifetime of being nice. A lifetime of being conditioned to turn the other cheek. A lifetime of feeling wrong in the midst of their rightness. All of it came to its natural conclusion. I was right for me and I no longer needed anyone’s validation. My anger healed me profoundly. My body was less reactive. I began to sleep better. I stood taller. Hell, I even made more money. Such is the power of choosing to confront lies with your righteous anger.

So, can you let a little bit out? Can you finally get fucking angry? I hope so. You, the real you is waiting on the other side of it. As always, I’m here to hold your hand if need be.

Destination Consciousness

Destination Consciousness
a most uncomfortable journey

With signage like this quote, it’s hard to know whether to take the detour to consciousness or stay on the unconscious superhighway with everyone else. What’s worse? The sameness and smallness of you and your life – that which you call fate? Or the deeply uncomfortable journey toward consciousness? You have my deepest sympathies as you ponder this.

I felt trapped in that long-haul semi-truck of sameness for most of my life. In many ways I knew I was living an inauthentic life but, beyond Marge, I didn’t have much support in changing it. Whatever changing it even meant I hadn’t a clue. Eventually, life and consciousness facilitated me toward reaching for more. Being the same old same old was just too uncomfortable. But, it was never, not ever, easy. Every turn was always painful, difficult, flabbergasting, frustrating, devastating, traumatizing, and eventually generative and expansive. 

Somewhere, just after college, and long before I knew anything about anything, I chose to take the path less traveled. I took the exit that read: Consciousness. Sadly no one warned me about all the back allies, dead ends, unpaved roads lined with tacks, roundabouts to nowhere, jug handles, and super highways paved with slippery glop that I’d need to traverse.

And that’s the rubber on the road. The journey toward consciousness isn’t cute. You have to condition yourself to the discomfort of full awareness, knowing, being, and receiving. You, along the way, reconcile that consciousness includes absolutely everything and judges nothing. It’s the whole enchilada like it or not.

And now that I’ve reached the destination, I’m also wise enough to know it’s no destination at all. It’s a constantly shape-shifting twelve-dimensional road map made in dream space. There is no one road, there is a bazillion of them and they’re entirely ephemeral. And yet, here I am, I’ve arrived, in a still moving vehicle – my body – and discovered this expansive and generative state of consciousness will only continue to exist if I remain totally awake at the wheel of it. No pit stops, no snacks, no peeing. That means totally awake to my own bullshit, and that of others, and totally awake to the abundance and gratitude I have for what I’ve created for myself. My new life. What’s required is to never fall asleep (again) at the wheel. I got here by:

my willingness to ask questions that opened me up
my willingness to be deeply uncomfortable for what felt like an eternity
my willingness to invest lots of money, time, and effort into my own self-discovery and healing
my willingness to lose absolutely everything and everyone, in favor of me, my truth, and my wellbeing

This journey has prepared me for exactly what I’ve always wanted to do since I made that request just out of college. I now facilitate consciousness. It can be a hard sell, who wants a ride on a glop-ridden road? Not many. But for those that choose it – choose themselves – there is no greater reward than arriving at all of you. The ease of having all of you, at the wheel of your own life – in your potency – and true power is a gift that no one can take that from you.

Personal Power Starter Pack

Personal Power Starter Pack 
begins with the six elements of intimacy

Perhaps you’ve heard intimacy is tantamount to sex.
Nah, that ain’t it. True intimacy, the kind you develop with yourself, is in my humble opinion, the source of your personal power.

It took me a very long time to really get this piece of the puzzle. This was largely because I didn’t really have any relationship to and with my personal power. WTF does personal power actually mean anyway? I choose to define personal power as the place where you have ALL of you. It’s the place where you have intimacy with you. You trust you. You honor you. You have allowance or grace for yourself in good and bad times. You have access to your own vulnerability. You are grateful for you. You are kind to yourself and others.

For many of us, our parental figures had no access to their own power due to the stuckness of generational trauma. So, we adult children were left to figure out how to navigate ourselves to this elusive power. Some of us get there, many of us don’t

Trust, honor, allowance (aka grace), vulnerability, gratitude and kindness are the building blocks of intimacy. But choosing the elements of intimacy, over reactivity and volitility, is much easier said than done. Our unconscious reactions: anger, bitterness, resentment, and controlling behaviors are at the top of our emotional toolbox. 

And here’s the kicker. As you develop your relationship with self, and increase the space of intimacy within you – YOU WILL NOT BE REWARDED. See, you having all of you, is a direct threat to anyone who benefits from you disconnected from you. So, as you navigate this, please don’t expect a pat on the back. In fact, expect a whole lot of acting up from the nattering chorus of assholes you have decided to keep close. It’s this chorus of fools that will tell you you are an idiot and that embodying these qualities makes you weak.

Hear me now, and clearly. It’s these people, the ones most threatened by you intimate with you, that are your greatest enemies. They suggest, with absolutely no experience, that you will be taken advantage of. They suggest that you, simply by exhibiting kindness are in alignment with the forces of evil, whoever they’ve determined that to be. They will cut you off wholly and completely for not obeying them – and for choosing you.

I say, keep walking. Create as much distance from these people as possible. Continue to use your awareness and perception to navigate your way to intimacy. Will you be lonely? Sure, some days will be hard. Will you make mistakes and trust the wrong people? You bet! Will you grow wiser over time? Yes to that too.

This folks is a journey worth taking. It’s a magical path where you are at the center of your story. It’s not about getting it right or doing it to perfection. Its about being embodied. It’s about self expression and self trust. It’s about you being in and exploring your full potential which you’ll need your personal power to access.

This is ultimately about you coming into being. And I for one, can’t wait for you to join me here. I’ll put the coffee on.

Feeling powerful

Feeling powerful
it’s a long game

Marge told me of her intention to gift me her yellow house, upon her departure, what feels like a million years ago, maybe 2009. It felt so large, so monumental, that despite my joy upon acknowledging her intention, I have to admit it was tough to integrate. I knew the gift in and of itself, had to do with my becoming. And I also knew, down to my bones, I was in NO WAY prepared to receive this gift and the monumental change required of me – to be worthy of it’s receipt.

And who was I to become? This question was absolutely terrifying to me. It was a void - a total unknown. What would be required of me? What would the journey entail? I know now, in retrospect, the terror was justified. I have literally changed, down to every cell in my body, in the time since. Needless to say, I am profoundly grateful to be on this side of things. To finally – after so much of life shifting and shaping me – to be in my power. 

Hmm…power. We all likely have a conflicted relationship to that word. If you’re like me you’ve often felt yourself on the ass end of it. This looks like being at the mercy of forces beyond your control. It looks like feeling powerless. It looks like being perpetually hurt by the ones that say they love you. It looks like allowing others, usually inferior to you, have a voice in who you are becoming.

And what gets you in your power? Choosing it. 

That’s it. I wish it were a more complicated formula. I wish it were a widget that in pressing the buttons, turning the dials and manuvering the levers you’d get you to that red-hot power position of YOU, all of you. 

But there is no widget. And choosing sounds much easier said than done, right? So, some questions to help jolt you from your pitiful, sad-sack, powerless state:

• Who am I being when I refuse to acknowledge my power?

• What energy, space and consciousness can me and my body be, right now, to feel my power fully and viscerally?

• Who benefits most from my lack of power, in this friendship? In this marriage? In this work experience?

• What future probabilities would be available to me if I chose to acknowledge my power?

This is a good start. Remember, we’re not looking for cognitive answers. Let consciousness have a crack at leading you. You’ve made a big decision just in the asking. 

Need more oompf to set these questions off? A lot of these other practices are helpful too: speaking up, helping and being a value to others, pushing your chest out, standing in a power position – arms outstretched above, legs straddled, speaking aloud and claiming your power, ecstatic dance to empowering music, the love and support of good people (those who don’t judge you). And of course, time. Time, like the distance between 2009 and now, is an amazing balm. Allow that to do it’s gentle work on you too.  As always, here if you need me.

Saving people sucks

Saving people sucks
and it doesn't work 

This has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn.

If you’ve been a client of mine for a while you probably remember when I’d send lengthy follow-up emails. I would summarize our session then outline the path I suggested you take to find your way to peace and well-being. But that wasn’t before I’d already spent at least a half hour meditating prior to our session. And during our one-hour meeting – giving you my all. Perhaps you detected my longing that you choose peace?

Now, don’t get me wrong. As a service provider, I take what I do very seriously. I’ve given with my whole heart – selflessly! But what I noticed over time is that only about 3% of what I was giving was actually being received. Most folks didn’t appreciate me giving my all. In fact, if I’m being honest, I wasn’t “saving” anyone. And I was aware, that in some cases, what I was Giving (capital G intended) was actually resented. That 97%, despite wanting the change that they had come to me seeking, were in fact, actively rejecting the change they said they longed for. 

Why is that? Well, it’s complicated…and it’s here that I ask you to reflect on your own life. Have you ever given a gift to someone that you were so excited to share – only to detect resistance from the receiver? Feels kind of familiar right? Basically it’s the same dynamic at play. 

Giving and receiving is a balancing act. Most folks are excellent givers. We know how to be in the upper position – the control position – of gifting. It’s easy. Receiving on the other hand is WAY more difficult. It’s as it we’re automatically on the defense. We’re calculating what is required of us, what transaction we need to employ, before we actually receive said gift. And that’s really what it boils down to. What is required – to change – is more chew then most folks are willing to bite off. It’s infinitely easier to give up, get angry at yourself, and abandon you.

See, change, true change requires you to Choose, capital C intended. Choosing you, choosing whatever change you are gunning for, is a massive commitment. Sometimes you have to remind yourself of what you’re choosing 80 times a day, lest you fall of the wagon.

And where does that leave me? The over-Giver? Well, it means that when I over-give, what I am actually being is a controlling cow. Yes, that’s right, a Class-A Controlling twat. What’s worse is that the longing I’ve had to produce change for resistant clients and loved ones has ended up dynamically screwing me from the boomerang effect. YES, I can both emotionally and physically alleviate your suffering by taking it on myself! Cute, eh? Not so much.

So, I’ve learned my lesson. I now know to stay in my lane. I give, A LOT and I’m learning to stop and let people receive what they can from our exchanges. I’m a recovering selflessness addict. Can I invite you to recovery too?

Drugs, alcohol and addiction (oh my!)

Drugs, alcohol and addiction
miseries layaway plan

It's so strange to me that I've been surrounded by addicts my entire life. Because they were closeted in their behaviors the effects on me were cognitively unknown yet quite visceral in their presentation in my body, through disease. Years and years of seeing doctors, of shaking proverbial tea leaves to discern what was wrong with Me, when it was never me after all.

I also learned something else, all of the suffering I experienced was actually a superhero capacity. I learned that my body is aware and displays symptoms and sensations when it's experiencing an awareness. It's not a linear understanding but if I stay in a state of questioning, I'll arrive at a knowing of who those sensations belong to. They are never, ever mine.

And that's the bad or perhaps good news, when something isn't yours you can not fix it - full stop. You can only be aware. Magically though, when acknowledged that something isn't yours, the condition or symptom will lift - as if by magic.

Now how does this square with living within the self-abusive domain of the addict? Well, it means when someone chooses to lead a life of shame, secrets, and denial - through addiction, they are, in fact, imposing it on you too. The abuse of self becomes an abuse of the entire family system. And if you're young, blind, kind, and idealistic, you're doomed to go down the road with them. 

In the 12-step world the counterweight to the addiction groups, the family support group, Al-ANON, suggests that these partner qualities help solidify the addict’s choices. They maintain that our kindness and idealism are part of the problem. Interesting and convenient, huh? 

Now if you are a typical Al-ANON member, you come from a system of addiction in your family of origin. This means you will seek to duplicate that childhood experience in your future relationships. So, from that vantage point, Al-ANON ain't wrong.  We love our addicts, right? We want to support them, right? We want to live without conflict, yah? It’s this formula that solidifies miseries lay-away-plan. But make no mistake. I part with Al-ANON quite significantly and lay the responsibility on the addict who made the choice to deceive. We co-dependent, anxiously attached spouses and children play supporting roles. We may come from systems of abuse, but we are not responsible for it. No way. No how.

I've found that there's only one way out, and that is to facilitate my own consciousness by:
• Asking questions. 
• Unabashedly choosing to put myself first. 
• Giving up "saving" anyone. 
• Being brutally honest with myself, and being brutally honest about how others in my life are operating as well. 

And what about the addict? You can put that concern down now. They have the benefit of knowing their lies. You're at the deficit of having to figure it out blind. They'll chose the light of consciousness in their own time. Or they won't. And none of that is yours anymore. It never was yours to begin with.

Need help turning your lights on? You know where to find me.

Right for clients

Right for clients
wrong for me

When going through this breakup my second most nagging thought I had was: OMG, what will my clients think? Followed by, How this would affect my business?

Perhaps you’ve heard the adage before, that psychics are right for clients and wrong for themselves. I had never lived through this principle so viscerally till this year. There’s enormous truth in it. See, when you’re living your own trauma and drama, you can’t see the forest through the trees. While working with clients, while I care for them enormously, I’m not at the effect of their choices or the choices of their loved ones which in turn effect them. I have no risk in the outcomes. Thus, I am clear-eyed. But, the lens on myself? Yeah, that can be quite cloudy.

Why? Because psychics have needs, wants, yearnings, the desire to be right, and oh so much more crap that we create for ourselves. It’s all these factors that help the psychic to turn off their own awareness and self-knowing. These wants and yearnings are the seeds of the fantasies and self-limiting lies that we perpetrate on ourselves. And while I’ve demonstrated an unwavering commitment to becoming less cloudy - less stupid - I too am not above trying to tip the scales in the favor of my own crafted fantasies.

And there you have it. Psychics are human, with a dash of the supernatural.

The antidote to this is the same medicine I preach to you all weekly.
• Be unafraid to be brutally honest with yourself.
• Acknowledge what I know, be, receive and perceive.
• For the whispers of awareness that do pop into my consciousness, ask: Is this mine?

These tools are just some of the starting places I now have the gift of facilitating myself back to. Acknowledging the gift of what is. Acknowledging reality. And reality is always a gift, but only if we’re willing to receive it.