The Bad Halloween Party
get a clue, get happy, stay there

The Halloween before the pandemic changed everything I hosted an epic Halloween party. There were 18 family and friends at my house, the most I'd ever hosted and it was grand. We skipped the next two years naturally. And as the pandemic was tentatively winding down I hosted again. Because of everyone's hesitance, only 10 or so people showed up. We wore masks and had fun anyway. By the following year 1 person showed and my own kids had outgrown the tradition. I carried on, and regardless of the single digit guest list ordered pizza and made more than a dozen ghoulish cupcakes. Sitting with my one friend at my kitchen table it was truly obvious to me that I had no clue.

Why hadn't I changed course? Why didn't I suggest that this friend and I grab an autumn themed drink at a bar for some adult fun? Why did I resist change?

The best I can answer is that whatever new way I was supposed to go wasn't lit up like a runway. But there was also another clue I refused to acknowledge. I wasn't happy. I'd let myself get so conditioned by this reality to sacrifice myself for my family, that I had long stopped computing my own joy into our family's equation.

My inside voice wondered when I would laugh again. I wondered when I would dance again. Perhaps I knew the winds of change were brewing, but, at a gut level, knowing the gravity of it, I resisted.

What would have happened if I'd allowed myself to acknowledge me? What would have happened if I had prioritized my joy? Well I suspect my marriage may have ended a whole lot sooner. And that is not something I could face.

Ultimately what I resisted, till the very end, was exactly what would bring me, and my family, joy: being out of a committed, monogamous marriage. Now our kids have a chance to see us parents as flawed people cultivating a precious thing: their joy and wellbeing. Rather than two folks who were simply upholding an institution.

Now I am completely free, no more divorcing myself from myself.

So where are you divorcing you from you? Where are you denying your body, your joy, your intellect in your work, your family, your partnerships? What have you made so vital, valuable and real that you can't change it? Is it possible that today, you could begin to acknowledge you? Some tough decisions may need to be made, I'm here if you need me.