Doing what you love

And never working a day in your life

Years ago a potential client called me to book an appointment. We had a pleasant exchange till I got to the point that I told her I didnt have any availability till the following week. 

She became indignant and explained that she needed an appointment immediately because “with all the time I’d have till the appointment I could be researching her”.

I had to laugh out loud. What she didn’t understand was, the entire point of me becoming a psychic medium was PRECISELY because I wanted to stop working hard. I did 17+ years of hard. I know how to jump through corporate hoops. I know how to deny my very being in hostile environments. I noped out of that type of work a long time ago. And I noped out of that appointment with her. 

Researching people is tedious, unpleasant and heavy work. Unless of course you like that sort of thing. Not me. I literally asked the Universe to show me the way out of that life. And here I am. I get to be me for a living. My job is being in a flow state. My job is to use my awareness to get to some unGoogleable information that will help others get to a place of clarity. I have no magic wands and yes I’m occasionally off (and provide a refund), but I would not trade this level of ease for doing life the hard way ever again.

Here are three tell tale signs of gearing up to do what you love:

• You’re terrified to take the step and yet it keeps popping in your head or your world.

• Doing what you love is connected to what makes you “weird” and you’re afraid of all the judment you’ll incur.

• It’s easy, profoundly easy for you to do whatever it is. So easy in fact it goes against everything we’ve ever been taught, thus it’s why you dismiss it.

Negative Realities

Looking squarely at what is

 I’m a reformed Pollyanna. Rose-tinted sunglasses were firmly perched on my nose for the majority of my life. While I wasn’t a total rube, I figured my sunnyside of life point of view could conquer all. This was the disorienting state of affairs from which I ordered my mind. I could never reconcile the constant onslaught of violence, particularly as it relates to our country's children. 

 The challenge to a Pollyanna identity is this extraordinarily violent reality. There is no adequate happy middle between the two. The events of Ulvade, Sandyhook, and the 2,032 school shootings since 1970 are a clear indication that violence is not a bug, but a feature of this reality. This violence is by design, someone benefits. A bitter pill for any Pollyanna to swallow.

 So what are we kind-hearted folks to do?

• Don't deny the reality in which we live. The forces of unconsciousness and anti-unconsciousness loom very, very large.

• Accept that for unconscious and anti-conscious beings, violence in and of itself is deeply satisfying.

• Understand that those of us striving for consciousness are visiting this reality, we did not create it and our ability to change it is severely restricted.

• Continue to lead with vulnerability and kindness which threatens the war reality.

• Focus on the creation of new realities. Interpret this however you choose. 

• Be prepared to fight for your reality and creation.

• Buckle up, it may be a bumpy ride

For those that are empaths, who feel, within our physical selves, the suffering of others, the waves of violence are relentless bodily stress. Know that there is no amount of suffering on your part that will challenge this reality. Your suffering won’t make unconsciousness or anti-consciousness diminish. Instead, love hard, out-create the hate, stop apologizing for your point of view, lean in with joy, and be wildly and unapologetically you. Finally, get support in whatever way works for you. I'm here when you need me.

Get free

And what’s preventing you from it

Like so many people I’ve spent a lifetime trying to fit in. I did all the expected things: college, solid job, marriage, kids. When problems arose I took on more work to ease others, I did family therapy, made amends, tried to “change” and see things from others peoples points of view. I inhabited these points of view - to appease them, but never felt ease. I’ve spent so many years trying to fit in, to blend in, and be like others, so as not to disrupt till the relentless suffering came.

Then I realized something extraordinarily powerful:

I don’t fit in. 

It’s such a simple, obvious and yet startling revelation. What followed was a tumble from my mind: 

• I didn’t invent this reality that I’ve been struggling to fit in. 

• What works for others doesn’t work for me – and that is OK. 

• And those other points of view I tried to inhabit? They were bullshit used to control me for years.

I reflected on all the touchpoints in my life: school, work, family, friends. I saw how often I had been “othered”. I observed how many years I’d spent in the limbo of trying to survive gaslighting, projections and scapegoating. I acknowledged how much manipulation and abuse I put up with because I thought I was supposed to work within these systems, adapt to them or change them.

Till finally, I received the most amazing gift, an awareness that: your wrongness is your strongness. This concept is so simple, so refreshing and so liberating.

And now I’m safely on the other side. I’m growing, cultivating and liberating my weirdness. I’m pulling oxygen into my “wrongness” and growing it larger then I’ve ever allowed myself before. I’m happier and healthier then I’ve ever been in my life. 

So, how can I lend a hand to you: sensitive soul - empath - blacksheep - weirdo - artist - friend? Can I help you out of seeing a “wrongness” in your strongness?

Psychic myth-busting

Pulling back the curtain

First off is the lie of the generational psychic. This hinges on the premise that you need to be born into a psychic tradition in order to be truly authentic. How can that possibly be true when nearly 50% of the population is psychic? It’s a statistical and mathematical impossibility.

Next up is the trope of the celebrity psychic. There are more then a handful of psychic mediums that purport to be a “psychic to the stars”. This is a simple marketing ploy aimed at the folks so bored with their own lives that they spend countless hours on consuming tabloid gossip.

Finally is the storefront psychic that claims to remove curses and return lost lovers. These scams, which are always preceded with an accurate tarot reading, aim to drain your pockets and keep you on the hook for many months and thousands of dollars to come. Steer clear of these predators.

Here’s the thing, a psychic medium reading is on it’s most basic level a custom - just for you - meditation. What comes out of the psychic’s meditative state induced imagination is simply what comes. And if your ears are burning with the word: Imagination, think of your imagination as a receiving zone - not an invention zone. The imagination is the stage on which information about your life and that of your deceased loved ones appears. Is it going to be 100% accurate? Maybe, but not always. What should come through are some excellent kernels of non-Googleable information. Information that provides clarity and ease with what is and what’s to come. Psychics should have zero vested interest in the outcome of the read. It’s not their life, it’s yours. Their only interest should be to do a good job on your behalf. 

So, what myths and lies are you running on? What are you curious about that I can help dispel? Are you of the 50% that is psychically aware, but running on a loop that there is someone or something that has greater awareness then you? Let me know if I help you out of that…

Being Confrontational

A blacksheeps most undervalued skill.

This topic came up strong this week in class. For the last 3 weeks we’ve unearthed fear, doubt and judgment, a monumental task. So I mistakenly thought the tough stuff was behind us. I expected that as we pivot to the topic of our Power that it would get easier. But alas, coming into your power has prerequisites. Each one building on the next.

Chief pre-req to coming into your power is learning to speak up for yourself. I don't know how I had the grace to embody this at a young age. Perhaps it came from confronting my father re: a long held family secret that I got saddled with at a very young age. Maybe, it came from confronting my mothers misplaced rage. Or perhaps it came when I schooled my boss on the inappropriateness of receiving underwear from him for my birthday (the wrong size no less). 

Now I wish all these had primed me for the monumental betrayals that would come later in life. Sadly those came not quite as a shock, but rather a naturally unfolding melodrama of the family blacksheep. Any other blacksheep reading this?

But here’s what the gift of learning to confront taught me: I can't be killed. I am, my consciousness is, literally and metaphorically indestructable. Every cell in my body knows this. And that is a hard won gift I would not trade for all the tea in China.

In the class, I came to a curious realization. Most people simply do not know HOW to confront. The how seems obscured by a gigantic fear of death. It’s this fear that keeps most things stuck in our lives. The simple equation is that we’re taught to live in a system that hinges our survival on: our boss, our parents and family systems. To confront is to literally bite the hand that’s fed you.

Now, if that hand also abuses you it’s in your best interest to start biting. It’s an ultimate leap of faith. Till you learn to speak up, nothing will change. Abusers and their complicit enablers will continue to abuse. And at the point that you mentally put all this together, and still chose not to confront, then you are making a choice to stay exactly where you are.

Screwing up the courage to confront? I’m here when you need me.

Maddening meditation

Secrets that make it easier

While I was still working in midtown Manhattan I used to do my design work and listen to spiritual audio recordings at the same time. And comedy too, I tend to think comedy falls into a spiritual category, but that’s for another newsletter. While surfing around through Youtube I was entertained by Terrance McKenna, Alan Watts, Ram Dass, Jiddu Krishnamurti, and eventually Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. 

What I fell in love with was the simplicity of the 70’s era videos that had been uploaded. Panned shots of fields of flowers. Dew resting on blades of grass – sunrises. This was a welcome relief from the hubbub of the office and grueling commute to get there. A little oasis right on my screen. I leaned into the squeaky pitch of the Maharishi’s voice. And for someone like me whose anxiety was at full throttle, his clarity, wit and cheer lifted and transported me. I sincerely wondered how someone could be that cheerful and free of stress.

Years later, when the anxiety I’d been managing went from bad to worse and brought with it the health woes, I turned toward the Maharishi again. I was out of work at that point and suffering greatly. I paid an enormous chunk of money [tapping my retirement account - never a good idea] to get my mantra and training. I showed up for myself 2 times per day, as instructed, for my 20 minute meditation allotments. I did this for two and a half years straight, never missing a day.

What I expected from this effort was to heal. To regain my health. I expected a miracle and at first, I didn’t think that miracle had come. I was pissed that for all the time and effort I’d put in I had very few if any health gains to show for it. So, I got bitter and quit. 

The break in meditation helped me to see something wholly new in myself and entirely weird and wonderful. Even in my despairing insomnia-wracked nights, I had the ability to shift and become an Impartial Observer. I found I could actually muster a sense of humor about it. The Impartial Observer in me allowed me to acknowledge that the bitterness didn’t feel good. It gave me the space to make a new choice, to distract myself, without judging my current predicament. This space did not exist before my meditation practice. In the past, I was pretty well convinced that I was the sum total of my thoughts. 

Within the container of two and a half years that I was consistent, I never experienced any relief while I was meditating. Which, in addition to healing, was what I was yearning for. The constant, incessant stream of noise in my head never seemed to quiet. 

Finally, more than a few years later, I attended follow up training sessions that TM offered. I learned the fundamental secret that would have made it all make so much more sense. Chronic flow of thoughts that interrupt are a biological response of the body. Over-thinking is basically a valve, releasing stress. And since I was in a chronic state of stress, that’s all my body was capable of doing. This is more obviously true of fidgeting, itching or any movement, voluntary or otherwise that distracts you. It’s just stress, don’t attach any meaning to it.

Now, TM isn’t right for everyone. And what I’ve come to discover is that while meditating has been helpful to me, even the circular way that I acknowledged it, really any type of meditation is beneficial. So, to that end, here are some ideas:

• Consider your strengths. Are you visual, audio or physically dominant? Choose a practice that aligns with that strength. 

• Ignore the meditation purists. They think they are the gatekeepers to consciousness, which has no gates. 

• Walk. Walking everyday, sans headphones. You can repeat an affirmation to the beat of your footsteps if you’re feeling frisky.

• Watch. There are wonderful animated gifs you can follow along with here. link: https://www.doyou.com/10-awesome-gifs-for-calm-breathing-59450/

• Listen. Pop in your earbuds in and listen to some relaxing meditation music.

• Breathe. Just be aware of it, the sensation – no guiding or forcing. You can add saying In on the in breath, Out on the out breath.

• Download an app. There are many popular ones to choose from.

How about you folks, any tips to share? I’d be curious to know your experiences with meditation, hit reply and let me know.

How To Be A Stealth Lightworker

Imagination + attention = magic 

Chances are if you live and work in a big city, at some point your psyche will be confronted with people suffering poverty, homelessness, mental illness and addiction. Which means that getting through your daily commute can be a dispiriting grind … even for the happiest of us.

 I currently live in New York and back when I moved to Brooklyn in the late 90’s, daily life included facing these human conditions, frequently and often all at once.

 Back then, I worked full-time, spent my weekends as a literacy volunteer and gave money to the homeless when I could, but my heart was challenged with the suffering I witnessed. Over the years I’ve done my fair share of spiritual learning and self development. I’d learned the power of thought, intention and prayer, so I decided to put it in action.

 While riding the train one day I sat a few seats down from a mom and her young daughter. The mother was angry and her tone with her daughter was hard to hear. In the past I would have judged the mom, but as I’ve become a mom myself with all of its attendant stresses, my heart broke for her. No mom wants to lose it. So I closed my eyes and imagined light pouring into the crown of mom’s head then moving to her heart and healing her momentary suffering. I acted, in stealth, as her guardian lightworker.

Being a lightworker is simple, you use your intention and imagination to effect good in the world. Your imagination is the plane on which you create the tools you use and implement: light, magic wands, color, smoke -whatever floats your boat. The more personal your tools are to you, the more effective you’ll be. Then use them, creatively and with your positive intent to heal, alleviate suffering or whatever goodness you want to bring into the world.

 As I’m typing these last words I can hear the chorus of doubters chiming in. And to everyone I say, be skeptical and play with this. Try light work on people (or pets for that matter) within your social circle, take notes, gather data and see for yourself. Only you can know, from direct personal experience, whether or not you feel you’ve made an impact. If at the end of your experiments you don’t feel you’ve had an effect, chances are you made yourself feel better in the process. The end of your own suffering is reason enough to continue to do it.

The beauty of lightwork is that it doesn’t require a belief in a god or regular services at the denomination of your choice. You simply shift the focus of your thought from judgment and pain to generosity and love. Love without conditions.

On the train that day, after I applied the light I opened my eyes and sat. A split second later I heard a miracle. The mom apologized and put her arm around her daughter. As the mom and daughter stood to exit the train at the next station our eyes met and we smiled at each other.

Do I claim responsibility for the warm and fuzzy outcome between the mom and her daughter? No, that victory belongs to them. What I do claim is the energy that I put out in the world and my intention to use love as a tool with reckless abandon. It’s my hope that you’re encouraged to do the same.

 If any of this tickles your senses perhaps it's time to look into my Psychic Development Masterclass. Hit reply and I’ll get you on the waitlist for that.

Manipulation is Underrated

With all the craziness going on in the world I got to thinking about the evil genius of facism, white supremacy and religious fundamentalism. At a minimum, they're all systems of control  and manipulation rooted in fear to achieve false power and all-to-real domination. I’ve got to hand it to these age old systems, they are quite effective and profoundly devastating. 

We all, in one fashion or degree of another have been harmed by these systems. I grew up within a Protestant system, with layers of white supremacy, misogyny and a good dollop of WASP values on top. Modesty, shame, stoicism and silence are baked in and in my case the landscape made cloudy by a closeted alcoholic. Self realization is not encouraged within these systems. On the WASP end I was taught explicitly never to discuss money, politics or religion. It’s only now that I’ve learned the purpose of this silence, under the pretense of good breeding and manners, is designed to keep people who look like me in the ruling class. Ingenious really.

I recently learned an adage that I’m giving some thought to – that is, if you’re unwilling to manipulate you remain vulnerable to being manipulated. Hmm, very interesting. I can clearly see the edges of truth in this when I reflect on my own experiences.

Now, the next conceivable leap is to personally ask this question of yourself. Can you manipulate for the greater good? Can you manipulate and out create your enemies to elevate your righteous cause? Is the world waiting for you to cast off the burden of old conditioning, break the bonds of goodness and badness, rightness and wrongness and get down to business?

I hope so. I know the power of your light is needed in this world.

The End of Chronic Illness

The second set of keys to get you off the loop

Beginning in February I shared the first 3 tips to get you off the chronic illness loop. That email was one of my most widely read. While on the one hand, I hope it was helpful. On the other hand, I'm distressed you all needed it. So I’ll keep these dispatches coming and let me know if you have any questions about the tips.

A while back I heard a statistic from a family doctor who postulated that over 70% of illness was stress induced. I’d bet dollars to donuts the numbers are far worse than that. My personal journey turned a massive corner when I stumbled upon a questionnaire that helped me determine my ACE score (click here to determine your score). ACE stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences. I scored a 3. According to the Centers for Disease Control:

61% of adults had at least one ACE and 16% had 4 or more types of ACEs. Females and several racial/ethnic minority groups were at greater risk for experiencing 4 or more ACEs. Many people do not realize that exposure to ACEs is associated with increased risk for health problems across the lifespan

My reaction to this was: holy sh*t. So many missed diagnoses, so many docs too busy to actually listen, and so many specialists charging out-of-reach rates. I know you know. At that moment, I finally felt like I’d hit the nail on the head regarding what had plagued me for years. Knowing my ACE score helped me make some fundamental changes to some primary relationships in my life. Beginning with boundaries and swiftly moving into my own power. It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve been richly rewarded. I hope knowing your own score empowers you to reflect and take whatever steps are necessary to save your own life – yes, I believe it’s as dire as that. 

As you move forward if you decide to make changes to relationships, please know - you will not be rewarded by those who’ve benefited by you being down. Their reaction may confound and even shock you. You being disempowered serves them in one aspect or another. So, no, they won’t green-light you. You have to green light yourself. This journey can be lonely and taxing. Stepping off the karmic wheel of generational trauma isn’t for the meek. This is warrior work and I invite you to it. I’m here if you need me. Now, on to the keys…

Gratitude
In the midst of my circuitous journey toward wellness I started a gratitude practice. Then I hit a rough patch and got mad and gave it up. Then things got immeasurably worse. So I picked up the gratitude practice again and over time things began to improve again. In gratitude we’re training our brains to look for the good in our lives. The brain responds by calming it’s disease inducing stress response, calming the stress hormone output and releasing feel good hormones. These feel good hormones all the body to heal – full stop.

Progress
Keeping track of your progress is an indispensable part of this process. Keep a small calendar and keep track of what you’ve accomplished. Went for a walk? Write it down. Tapped your toe to a good song? Write it down. Called a friend? Write it down. Redirected your anxious thoughts to feel better by watching puppy and kitten videos? Write it down. Do not track any of the disease and dysfunction if possible. Your brain is already too aware of it. You need to condition your brain to acknowledge all the work you’re putting in toward healing yourself. It will take some time to get used to acknowledging your progress – it’s a slow build, keep at it. 

Rewards
Understanding how the brain works is so important. Without educating yourself about the brain, we run the risk of falling backward. Know that the brain is designed to revert to it’s old neural networks making progress an inherently janky process. One way to reverse this is to treat your brain like a toddler. Toddlers learn largely through rewards. Your brain is no different. So, when you experience success, no matter how small, you must acknowledge it with a reward. A great idea is to buy little gold stars, the kind that teachers would put on your schoolwork. Put a star on the progress calendar for every week you invest in this process of well-being. Whatever you do, be generous with yourself!

Finally, I’m in the midst of launching my first course, a Psychic Development Masterclass. I had originally intended to launch a class called: The End of Chronic Illness. But the feedback for Psychic Development won out in my lead-up. If I developed The End of Chronic Illness into a class, please let me know if you’d be interested in that. 

Please Note Image:
While I strongly encourage folks to take complete and total responsibility for their health I make an important distinction between curing and healing. Healing is always within our grasp, even if we are still managing an illness.

Additionally, not all illnesses are stress induced. We do not know why children and infants experience cancer or why folks of African descent are disproportionately affected by Sickle Cell Anemia. There are limits to what neuroplastic healing techniques can accomplish.

Attention over Intention

Learning this from Chi Gong. No pushing, no effort whatsoever.

I suffer from anxiety. Feels like I always have. I remember as a child getting ready for school and nearly having a panic attack at the thought of missing the bus. That’s how afraid I was of being a burden on my mother who would then have to bring me to school herself. I was 5 years old.

This agitation settled in my bones and by the time I was an adult I felt like I was practically percolating. I was new to living on my own and having a hard time finding my footing. I simply could not calm down. I made a joke one day about wanting to take a drug to soothe this condition when my co-worker, a pharma sales rep, scoffed and told me I was experiencing anxiety. I had long heard the word but never knew what it meant as I was raised in a system of self-denial on the one end and stoicism on the other. So it’s no surprise that self reflecting on my own mental states was foreign and felt self referential.

So began my mission to find ways to feel better. I knew intuitively that volunteering would help and it did. One of the main ways my body responds to this anxiety is to seize up my breath. For years I held a low level tension in my diaphragm, making it impossible to take a full breath. I’ve tried so many modalities to relieve this: yoga, running, breathwork [helpful], psychotherapy [not so much] and more.

I recently found my way to Qi Gong and followed a guided meditation that paces you through awareness of your nostrils, sinuses, throat, lungs, diaphragm and body cavity. Which coalesced into a connection of the entire system. It was really interesting and for the remainder of the day I experienced so much more lung capacity. Fascinating how the mind - connecting to the body can create space instantly. My breathing has been more effortless. And something the instructor said has stuck with me. He explained that in this meditation it’s not advised to follow the breath in and out. That it's important to release any intention or desired outcome. That our breath, our very life force needs no muscling, no guidance, no instruction. There’s nothing to figure out or do. We simply need to observe and be attentive, that’s it. 

What a welcome relief.

In my metaphysical world, the word intention is prized. Intention is bandied about as some kind of magic elixir used to create all kinds of change. Using intention, in the immaterial world, is how we gauge our effort and make our way toward a projected goal. Now, here is this guy saying it wasn’t necessary. He suggested that simple awareness, without guiding anything was enough. I felt the truth of this in my body. Which of course is making me rethink every other area of my life where I’ve applied intention.

Could this principle apply to your life? Can you apply your attention to a desired goal without trying to muscle it out? I’d love to hear how it goes for you.

Coming out

On the heels of my courageous son

So, this is a wild story. I was pregnant with my youngest, and still working in the corporate world. One day I waddled into the kitchen and got to talking with a fellow pregnant co-worker. At the time Caitlyn Jenner had recently transitioned and she was all over the news. I guffawed at the hub-bub over her transition. I turned to my co-worker and cracked wise: “For crying out loud, what’s the big deal? Either of these babies we’re carrying could be trans!” The look she shot me told me everything I ever needed to know about her. It was at once a mix of hostility and shock, as if I’d cursed her unborn child. No sooner was I absorbing that, when a voice - like a little bird - appeared in my mind and said: “you’re talking about yourself”. Needless to say I was stunned and quickly batted this voice away. I was also still in the habit of ignoring and pushing off these little voices and visions and I carried on dutifully.

Fast forward to our sonogram appointment. My husband was driving and we were bantering about names. I was certain I was having a boy, who, according to Italian tradition, would be taking my Father in law’s name. So, I didn’t feel like trying too hard in the name generation game. Out of nowhere I heard the word that would become my [now] son’s name. I turned to my husband about a minute later and told him he’d come up with the perfect name. He gave me some side eye and gently corrected me. No, he told me, I had said the name. Huh? I was certain he’d said it. So, who used me to say that name? Who knows I thought, and I brushed that off too.

Finally, March rolled around and I rolled right along with it. The day was unseasonably warm and I met my brother in law at the park so all the cousins could play. I told him I was in labor, not feeling so hot, and very likely to give birth before the day was out. He asked me if I’d read the weather report that day, no I hadn’t. Apparently, that night was to be the biggest full moon in 18 years. Moon, the name of my child (in Italian) that I received many months earlier. Neat, I thought and again, I didn’t acknowledge the course I was on.

Sure enough, he arrived on March 19, 2011, close to 8 pm on a Supermoon, it felt like the largest moon I’d seen in my lifetime.

Baby pictures

For all that wonderful ramp up to his birth, he was a challenging baby. I know now in retrospect it’s largely because I didn’t know who he was (even though I’d been forewarned!). He was collically, hardly slept, and I felt broken. We muddled along and he just never seemed to find an even ground, which meant I didn’t either. When he was 2.5 years old he told me he was a boy in whatever toddler language he could muster. I was thunderstruck. I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t honor his identity from the start. I was midstream in that nasty chronic illness stuff and didn’t have the capacity to be me, much less help him navigate his identity. So, I stuck my head in the sand and of course everything got worse as it does when you're in denial. Night terrors, sleep walking, tantrums, despair are what followed for him. I was also met with a deeply disquieting feeling that my child may not be long for this world which I couldn’t seem to shake.

Finally, when he was 5, after he’d timidly told us a couple more times that he was a boy, I finally started to edge closer. I changed his wardrobe, he got all stereotypically boy themed toys for Christmas and quietly, just between us, I called him my son. One day, after school, I acknowledged how sad he was. I asked him if anyone at school knew that he was a boy. He said, “No, I have to keep my secret.” And that folks, is when it all came thundering in. I knew instantly that I was the source of his pain. I knew I was the problem. I knew that his “secret” and my denial would end him, slowly but surely. I grabbed him, held him tight and told him, “No, you don’t have to keep secrets. I’m going to fix this, I’m going to make a way for you”. And that was the beginning of his social transition (which amounts to a haircut and change of clothes).

It took time for him to trust this pivot that our family made. We immersed ourselves in beginning to understand being transgender meant. We discovered that gender identity forms as young as 2-3 years old. We learned that kids know who they are and when not affirmed we were setting our child for failure and worse. We got ourselves into a family support group. We go to events for kids and families like ours. And now, gratefully, he feels affirmed and seen for who he is. It's taken time for him to learn to feel safe in his body and in our family. I wish I had affirmed him sooner. But like I said, I wasn’t in the habit of listening to myself yet.

As he transitioned and grew comfortable over time, I also transitioned. It wasn’t a gender transition – but a new understanding of who I was. Last week I mentioned feeling comfortable in being unremarkable. I was now faced with the choice to embrace what made me remarkable and weird. I had loads of personal evidence for it. But not a lot of support, beyond my friendship with Marge. I took buckets of courage and sadly some losses. But like Maya Angelou said, I “wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now”.

So, how can I help you in your journey to weirdness. I promise it’s the most special part about you. I’m launching my Psychic Development Masterclass on March 29, and I’d love to have you along on the journey. Reply and let me know if you’d like to be a part of it.

*disclosure: I have my son’s complete permission to share this story. He knows that by revealing our story we have the opportunity to change hearts and minds. There is A LOT of anti-trans rhetoric targeting trans kids especially. It's my hope that in sharing our story, you come to better understand gender identity and the courage that’s required for these folks to become who they are. Below are some ideas on how you make a way for trans kids. Thank you.

I’m not special

Or am I? Sussing out “the gift”

I remember hearing the words: target market as a kid. I knew it was related to some marketing mumbo-jumbo that I didn’t entirely understand. Yet at the same time, I felt some affinity for the words. It felt mass, and indistinct. I somehow knew I was in that swell, that I was part of this amorphous blob that people sell things to. I know for many the mere idea of that makes them queasy. It didn’t bother me, in fact, it kind of gave me comfort then, knowing my place in the matrix. I used to imagine that downstream from this idea was the peculiar feeling that I was invisible. That I blended into my surroundings, that I’m some sort of changeable avatar that folks project stuff on to.

This feeling was confirmed often.  Growing up I can’t tell you how many times folks would tell me I looked “just like” their cousin, school mate, co-worker, aunt or friend. I didn’t seem to be distinct in any tangible way, I just looked like who other people saw in me. Again, not everyone’s cup of tea, but it kind of tickled me. 

I knew, this human form of mine is simply the shape, they couldn’t possibly know what I contained, inside. In fact I didn’t have language for what was inside of me and the myriad of experiences I’d had, till I met Marge. There was no one in my immediate family who could relate to my interior world. So I mostly kept it to myself. Whenever I mentioned my experiences folks seemed to think I was a flake, lying or crazy. So, yah, you learn to keep quiet about these things.

What I didn’t know at the time was all that hiding in plain sight had a cost. Years of going with the flow. Years of not upsetting the apple cart. Years of deferring to others – ignoring my own internal values. Years of being ignored or worse being on the receiving end of hostility because of how I experienced the world. 

Of course the bill came due on all of this and grudgingly, I sought ways to become myself. In this “coming out” process (more on that theme next week) confirmation I got from clients was that they were grateful to me for sharing “my gift”. I gotta be honest, that I get to do this work, that it comes so easily to me, it feels just like me being me. I didn’t sense “a gift” apart from the courage that’s been required to become. Courage has always felt to me like the most hard-won gift. As for being psychically inclined, I always believed that just about everyone has this “gift”.

But I’ve been thinking about that more in depth. I heard a quote recently, to paraphrase it: roughly 48% of the population are creators (artists and the like). Another 48% don’t believe in the magic behind creation and the remaining 4% are out to destroy this reality. Sounds about right to me from what I’ve seen and experienced of life so far. I would define psychics as creators, folks who use the stage of their imagination to glean information for other folks. So, this quote was a bit clarifying for me. And then I get to thinking about all the problems that creators have: their very being – being made a wrongness in this reality. Yeah, I’ve been there.

In my Psychic Development Masterclass, we’ll be getting out of that wrongness. We’ll be getting into our power. We’ll learn to live unapologetically. I wonder if you are in the 48%. Care to join me?

It only took 22 years

For my husband to admit I was right

Ok, this is cheeky I admit. But I do have to chuckle. Just last week I got a text from my husband (below). In it he admits, without saying it exactly, that he should listen to me and finally follow his own intuition. We’ll be celebrating 22 years this coming May. Clearly, I’m a terrible influencer that it took me this long to persuade him to live from this intuitive place. But alas, here we are. 

Now I gotta tell you folks how completely bananas it has made me to watch him (or my kids for that matter) acknowledge something “subtle” and then turn around and completely ignore themselves. It’s a miracle I have hair left from pulling it out in frustration! I’m joking, but seriously though, my kids have always been curious about what I do. They’re much more interested then my husband has been, in acknowledging their psyche’s pings and incorporating them into how they navigate the world. 

My husband on the other hand has leaned in the other direction. He’s flirted with atheism and had a strong side of skepticism over the course of our relationship. Side note: I’m personally a big fan of skepticism, and always encourage folks to be rigorous in self reflecting and testing the veracity of the information that they get from their own psyches. So, needless to say, it was a big surprise to get this text from my husband. 

And here’s a wild wrinkle…about 10 years into our marriage he totally blew my mind by telling me that prior to our relationship he had gone through a season of seeing psychics regularly. Cue my shock and awe (indeed, self proclaimed psychics don’t know everything!). I’d always known my husband as a doubter, a strong protector of his own psyche and intellect. Now, 10 years in, I saw a whole new aspect of him. The truth for him was that, at the time, seeing psychics helped him ease through a wave of anxiety and get to the other side. But what I told myself at the time was that he’d been looking for me, a psychic, all along, I just had to figure out who I was.

Now, on to what precipitated that text. He’d been working on a project that was taking upwards of a year and half to pull together. The day before this text arrived I heard him pitch an epic fit after he got some disappointing news. You should know, my husband doesn’t pitch fits and this was a monumental heave of frustration and self criticism. The text that came, and the following reaction, indicated his willingness to finally begin to listen to himself. 

Sigh. And there it is. Will it last? I hope so, for his well being and future success. Perhaps he’ll want to take my course. How about you? Would you like to shortcut 22 years and focus on your own psychic development? I’m launching my Psychic Development Masterclass soon and would love you in a seat, let me know if you’re interested.

This question makes me nuts

And it's one of the most commonly asked!

What’s my purpose? Who  am I? What am I to make of myself? How am I to serve? And on and on. I fell into this particular rabbit hole for a very long time too.

It’s not that anyone is wrong for asking. But it’s what lies underneath the question that irks me. Our dominant white, anglo-saxon, protestant culture has done an excellent job drumming us into believing that this question even needs to be asked. The DNA of the question implies that you’re not deserving of being here, on this planet, unless you're producing something, have accomplished something or have landed on some great meaning to your existence.

It’s all bunk, hogwash and baloney.

So, let me be a foil to this question and say you don’t need a purpose. You’re pre-approved. If you’re living and breathing, you don’t need to justify your existence and earn your keep on this planet. Choose the easy path and head straight to joy, don’t over-complicate it. Your joy is what this planet needs and that’s more than enough. 

As for me, it took me a long time to figure this out. And truth be told, I backed my ass into what I’m doing now. Previously, I had spent 2.5 years trying to recover what was left of my 17 year career in design which I knew was no longer available to me. So, I tried to get a peripheral job as a project manager. That proved no easy task. The best I could get were temp jobs in New Jersey, since no one in NYC would return my emails much less hire me. It felt like a stunning downward trajectory from my 20th floor window on Madison Avenue. The good news was I no longer cared about the view from that window. 

So, here I was, an older and wiser version of myself. I was still in the throes of some nasty chronic illness stuff, which consequently was a great teacher. I got fired from my first gig because one of the gals I worked with assumed it was her right to treat me like garbage. That was a hard no, and apparently saying so wasn’t allowed. Then I bounced to a gig in the marketing department of an investment bank. Oh good I naively thought, a staid old bank, should be relatively easy and quiet.

Welp, not so much. I worked there from Wednesday to Friday and was shocked by the drama, backstabbing and utter discontent of my new co-workers. I dreaded returning on Monday so much that I was vibrating with anxiety the entire weekend. My body’s protest, let me know in no uncertain terms that going back was out of the question. Distraught, confused and in tears, I sent ‘I quit’ emails to the temp agency and my 3 day supervisor. I’d never quit like that before. I was ashamed and embarrassed, but I was also free. 

So in the days that followed, I asked myself: What’s the easiest thing I can do? What would be fun and bring me joy? And that was it, I made the leap, hung out my shingle and the rest is a happy and fulfilling history.

It all seems so obvious now in retrospect. I mean for Christ’s sake I was moved like a chess piece to the front door of Marge’s house. Our friendship had been so pivotal and monumentally important to me, and still is. I knew as far back as 2009 that she and the little yellow house had something to do with who I was to become. But I was in deep denial. I knew that accepting her as my mentor, saying yes to this psychic path, would change my life irrevocably. And it has. My life is vastly richer, deeper, more colorful. I’ve also experienced enormous losses in the conclusion of some relationships. I think on a subconscious level, I knew these conclusions were coming and I resisted, unable to metabolize it. This allowed fear to fester till the gift of chronic illness taught me to: become or die. It was that stark.

So, what’s your purpose? Can I encourage you to drop that question and its underlying implication of your unworthiness? Can I encourage you to find your joy? Can I implore you to simply do what’s easy? Can I ask you to pay attention to what lights you up? Can I hold your hand while you ignore your education, family, friends and culture and move forward into the vast unknown?

I hope so. Let me know if I can help.

Psychic stuff happens for you

Not against you…the power and responsibility of being psychic

I had an experience recently that I thought important to share with you, dear reader. I had a client, completely psychic in their own right, but struggling with it. They came to me in dire straits. They’d had dreams and other psychic downloads that led them to be worried that some harm would befall their family. I’ll refrain from any details to protect identities. Suffice it to say, it was a stressful read.

It appeared to me that they were justly concerned. I gave them the bits of intel that landed in the butterfly net of my own consciousness. These bits triangulated neatly with their own intuitive concerns and suspicions. But by the end of the reading I was deeply concerned that their fear was stymying their ability to think clearly, take action or change course.

And therein lies the quandary. What to do when a psychic premonition paralyzes you with fear? First you have to distinguish it, and that is the hardest part, because most of us dismiss these pings. Then the next question is, is it fear and anxiety or is it psychic information? 

It has taken me many years to suss this out and best I can tell you is that initially, psychic information has no feeling or texture to it at all. It’s simply a download of information that happens spontaneously. It's always followed by an internal argument - your ego - that tries to divert your attention away from the psychic information. Getting to know your psychic self requires time, patience and practice and is helped by being in community with other like minded folks. These critical pieces my client didn’t have the luxury of having under their belt. And they were in the unfortunate position of having ignored and pushed these pings off for some time. The result is a snowball effect of overwhelming and paralyzing worry. In short: a hot mess.

They followed up later, still freaking out and now upset because I’d failed to make them “feel better”. Now, I’ve had this problem before. Clients who use my service under the mistaken assumption that they’ll hear something they want to hear. That I’ll erase their doubt and put them at ease. Or worse that I have access to some magic that may prevent whatever event they fear may befall them. 

Of course it doesn’t work this way, but I can’t blame them for trying. I always give people exactly what I get in that butterfly net, sand, grit and all. Sugarcoating anything would be doing a great disservice and actually could imperil them, leaving them with a false sense of security. 

Seeing a psychic is like looking into a supernatural mirror. If we’re lucky we’ll see into layers and corners that are not obvious to the client. These little details may help you navigate forward or hopefully, confirm hunches you’ve had for yourself.

This part bears repeating: psychics and other lightworkers have no power to prevent tragedy. Run far and wide from any psychic who says they have that power (they’ll usually have their hand out expecting additional payment).

I know in my heart of hearts that this lesson looming in front of my client is pushing them to listen and take themselves seriously. Consciousness grooms and expands us precisely for the purpose of being a greater asset to ourselves, our families and everyone in our circle. It helps to shift to a mindset that the intensity of everything that’s being felt is For you not Against you. If we resist and ignore our awareness, then we’ll get the products of our resistance and ignorance. Not a pleasant combo - take it from me. If we listen, recalibrate our plans and adapt, we should feel a measure of relief.

Now that all of that is established, it’s important to note that we are not responsible for Life and Death. It simply doesn't work that way. There’s God and between God and whatever our individual life plan is (which we mere mortals don't always get to know and/or understand) this creates the individual's story. You can have an impact, but you can not control all the outcomes. Our power lies in taking excellent care of ourselves, taking ourselves seriously, and following up on the intuitive cues you get. 

As always, let me know how I can support you. And if you're interested in developing this for yourself, reply to this email and I’ll let you know what’s coming up in the Psychic Development Masterclass. I look forward to seeing you there.

How are you holding up?

Pandemic checkin year 2

About six weeks before the pandemicWhat do you think it would look like broke out in the NYC area I had a god-awful dream. In it I was a drone hovering over the New York Harbor. Below me the Statue of Liberty was knocked off her base, broken in many pieces. She was a smoldering wreck and there was destruction all around me.

To say I was freaked out is an understatement. I knew this was a premonition, but of what? I was too frightened to inquire more and chalked it up to anxiety about the election year we were in. This is a mistake I make often, when frightened by something, I make an assumption so as to not inquire further. 

Then as we all know, the COVID virus landed in a suburb north of NYC and by March of 2020 it was tearing through NYC, gutting her in the months to follow. Life became a blur: homeschooling kids, moving through my days seeing clients, cooking, cleaning and stress baking cookies for EMT workers. 

Now it seems we’ve all gotten into a grove. I’m grateful my kids are vaccinated and back in school, the toll on our mental health alleviated somewhat. But COVID’S left in its wake, unbearable loss of life, loss of income and normalcy and so much more. 

Marge and I made it through. We’re still rolling with the punches. Keeping her safe I do all her grocery shopping now. We also ramped up our prayer work. This is a practice she and I began a few years ago when a friend's husband was diagnosed with cancer. She adds our “patient” to her meditations and I add them to my positive visualizations. Each of us praying for the very best outcome. So, can I add you to the list? Do you have someone in mind that could use the support? Send me a note with their first name and what ailment they’re experiencing and I’ll add them in.

A hearty thank you to each and every one of you that has allowed me to support you in this time. I appreciate you no end.

Sweet Awakening

Cultivating your psychic self 

My own journey to understanding myself as a psychic person could best be described as waves. Somewhat confident, but mostly inconsistent with feelings of confusion as to what was happening to me. What’s funny is that in retrospect, I recall years of praying that I would be of good use to people, but I had no conscious idea what my gifts were. 

I flirted with becoming a pastor and possibly a social worker. Finally, I settled into a career as a graphic designer and art director after reflecting on the people around me and mimicking them. You would think my experience meeting and befriending Marge and the story of the little yellow house would have been a big clue. But I was in deep denial, I was putting forth my best effort to fit in and be normal. It worked for a while.

A pivotal moment came after the birth of my youngest child. It was spring and we packed up the kids to take them to Prospect Park in Brooklyn. As we were parking the car I had an overwhelming feeling of warmth and loving-kindness. It radiated out from my chest. My friend Daphne appeared in my mind's eye. I thought, well that’s curious.

Daphne is an incredible woman. She’s light, loving, funny and full of joy - no matter the challenges she faces. I’d met her in the late 90’s when I was volunteering and was her tutor for a bit. She attended my wedding and we remained friends but with me raising a family I didn’t get to connect with her beyond my annual Christmas cards.

We entered the park that day and it was gorgeous and packed full of people. The sky was brilliant blue and it was perfect t-shirt weather. I settled in on a blanket and commenced to feeding my new baby when out of the corner of my eye, I saw Daphne. Sitting there, feeding him I was able to integrate the loving kindness radiating from my chest and the vision I’d just had. Well I’ll be damned. I got up, we embraced like the long lost friends we were, she oohed and ahhed over my new baby. It was a picture perfect day. I’ve got so many stories like this, that helped me to actually see myself.

How about you? How many stories do you have? If you’d like to develop these skills, I’ve got a Psychic Development Masterclass coming up. Let me know if you’d like to be in on that.

The Worst Kind of Infinity Loop

And the first 3 keys of getting out of the loop 

I’ve talked a lot about my relationship with my body, but I haven’t told you how this new intimacy got started. I had what I thought was a good understanding of caring for my body. I encouraged others all the time to take good care of themselves and thought I knew what this meant for me too. But the reality was very different. 

I had my 3rd child in 2011 and between then and 2013 I teetered. I worked full time in a career I had long stopped caring about. My sleep was slipping and I relied on coffee to get through the day. We were able to refinance our home which gave me an out to leave my job. But the damage was done. I thought I was going to be able to finally pursue my dreams, whatever that meant. But my health fell off a cliff. I lost my ability to fall asleep and thus began a cycle of burnout and insomnia that I would not wish on any living soul. 

Years went by and doctor after doctor provided no relief. I was left with the daunting task of figuring it all out myself. I’ve often compared this process to being an orchestra conductor with no previous musical experience. I was overwhelmed. 

By 2018 I made the choice that I was going to recover my health by hook or crook. Mind you I had no idea how, but I intuitively knew there was power in making the choice. I got a clue that all this was brain related when I realized I could intermittently fall asleep while watching TV. This led me to the conclusion that even though I was managing some very intense physical symptoms, if distracted, my body would calm enough to allow me to fall asleep. Interesting I thought. I eventually learned that every thought we think, everything we pay attention to, including our personal relationships has a hormonal impact on the body. These fight flight hormones, which are housed in the limbic system of the brain, were stuck in the ON position, causing me a slew of chronic health conditions.

Here, I spent years waiting and wanting to feel better in order to physically get better. My new understanding was that I literally had to practice feeling better in order for the physical symptoms to alleviate. I began to experience relief immediately. But as with anything brain related, healing isn’t a straight line, it’s the world's most confusing, frustrating, circuitous loop, but I was well on my way. 

I think the most important thing to understand about the brain is that scientists call it a “use dependent” organ. Meaning that as a device the brain makes it easy for you to perform actions and thoughts repetitively. So, if you suffer from depression, depressive thoughts and experiences are on repeat. If you have OCD, your brain keeps pinging you with opportunities to keep checking your safety. The brain's job is to serve up physical symptoms and thoughts that match your most conditioned state of being. That’s why I call limbic dysfunction the worst infinity loop. How can you possibly have a shot at change if your brain is stuck in a loop like this? Having been there, I know it seems like an impossibility.

In the coming weeks and months I’ll be sharing keys to restoring health and well being. Here are the first three:

Choice
This was the turning point for me. I allowed myself to believe that change was possible, based on absolutely no evidence. In fact, from where I was standing the odds seemed largely against me. Making the decision to believe change is possible is a frightening proposition. What if I failed? This is a question we have to continually turn on it’s head to: What if I succeed?

Consistency
The choice I mention above is not a one off choice. I literally had to choose everyday, often many many times a day to change my life and my health. I also committed to walking every day, no matter what. With sleep - without sleep, no matter the weather. For me walking was one of the ways I got back into the world. Find whatever makes you feel good. Commit to it and do it regardless of which way the wind is blowing.

Sensory Input
The brain as the command center of the body receives incoming information through our five senses. This info  - good and bad - conditions our brains and bodies with stress and/or feel good hormones, preparing it for the future. In a limbically injured brain, it's the bad hormones that have wired the brain to illness both physical and mental. This creates an infinity loop of both physical and mental anguish. This repeating pattern keeps reinforcing whatever your predicament. And worse the predicament spreads like a fanned fire, which is why there is rarely one chronic illness, it’s usually an ever expanding list of ailments.

But here is some life saving information - your brain and thus your entire body can’t distinguish between the past, present and future. So how do we use this to our advantage? We rewire the brain with new information and we starve the mental loops and physical symptoms of our attention. The method is this: recall positive memories and conjure desired future events. This is key. As you bask in the visualizations, it’s paramount to pull in the rest of your senses: smell, sound, touch and taste. Light your imagination up with this new information. The body responds to the replay of events as if it were happening in the present moment with feel good healing hormones. Over time, and with consistent effort, the brain wires to well being, quieting the mental loops and calming the body symptoms.

Not gonna lie, this is intense work, real Jedi mind trick-type stuff. 

So, the good news – change is possible. Bad news – we’re not wired for easy change. Creating health and well-being requires so much from us on every level. It can’t be left to chance or done erratically. I’ll have more tips coming soon. In the meantime, let me know if you have any questions and if you need any support. Sending you much strength and fortitude as you make a commitment to yourself.

The Hardest Easiest Thing To Do

A sweet lesson I learned 

I’m a cat mama. Have been for my whole life. Somewhere there’s a picture of me sleeping as a small child with kittens tucked into every limb of my body – my idea of heaven. Even as I type this there are 3 cats dispersed on my bed. I call them my co-workers. I once had a psychic experience with one of my cats years ago, as I was just beginning to understand myself. I was in the kitchen and when I looked at my cat Benny I instantly thought of the word: EAR. The following day his entire ear was swollen. I took him to the vet, got some ointment and all was well. I now know that was a lesson to encourage me to trust myself. 

Cats are still teaching me a thing or two. And I wish I could say I always pay attention – but, like every other human, there are stretches where I don’t listen well.

For the last 5 years I’ve been caring for two outdoor cats. Mr. Bland, a chunky orange and white boy and a bruiser named Jimmy. Jimmy is one of those irredeemable feral guys. He’ll let me give him pets but then turns on his heel and bites me. Mr. Bland on the other hand, took about 3 years to let me get within an inch of him. When he finally did he rolled on his back so I could rub his belly and jumped on my lap just to snuggle.. He’s a good boy.

In this window of time I’d lament about not having a lap cat. All three of my other indoor cats are sweet, but won’t cuddle with me. The week before Christmas, something strange happened. Mr. Bland went missing and I was worried. He finally turned up on the morning of Christmas Eve and looked like he’d aged about 10 years, he was also struggling to eat. My husband and I scooped him up and brought him to the vet. Poor guy had a nasty upper respiratory infection. We got him inside and on antibiotics and he’s made a quick and full recovery. After that I put two and two together. Here is the lap cat that I’d been wanting, but was unwilling to receive. He’d been there the whole time and I resisted, with one excuse or another.

Do you feel better giving gifts than receiving them? I think this is true for a lot of people. We’re not conditioned to receive in this culture. We’re prized for our output and sacrifice. Receiving takes practice. And here’s the most important part – we all want something, but if we’re always in a gifting mode – which can be a form of control – then we’re not allowing space to receive.

So, how about you? What are you holding yourself back from and not allowing yourself to receive? I promise that even if it’s disconnected from what you want - it’s all connected energetically. Can I encourage you to practice receiving? Receiving compliments without minimizing yourself? Receiving gifts from folks without feeling indebted? Easily said, harder in practice, but give it a shot. It may open a lot up for you. Let me know how it goes.

Polarity is a Lie

How I started to do “The Work”

Years ago, I bought a book that I thought would help me out. I was at the beginning of a long dance in the shadow of my family's generational trauma. This particular movement involved my mother and my total inability to understand her and thus my judgment of her. This condition sadly persisted for years.

The book, The Work by Byron Katie, poses 4 seemingly easy questions. The point of the questions is to turn judgement on its head. If done correctly, you, through the effort of your own questioning, you come to integrate the futility and harm of judgement. I didn’t get it at the time even though I could see it’s illuminating clarity. Stymied, I put the book down. 

Just this week, the principal of my youngest kid’s school, which is strong on social justice, shared this quote by the great Dr. Martin Luther King, in which he was inspiring fellow pastors to action:

…And one of the great problems of history is that the concepts of love and power have usually been contrasted as opposites, opposites, so that love is identified with a resignation of power, and power with a denial of love….Now, we got to get this thing right. What is needed is realizing that power without love is reckless and abusive and that love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice, and justice at its best is love correcting everything that stands against love…

So, how do we seek justice and stay out of judgment? How do we embody power and keep it rooted in love? How in God’s name do we do this work when seemingly the entire world, and my own family included, is engulfed in the lie of polarity? 

Best I can tell is to carve out a space for yourself [this won’t be popular by the way]. Reject the dominant narrative and go inside, is there a rightness and wrongness calculator in you? Not likely. If cultivated, with kindness and self love, there is space. Space for what’s possible. Space for standing up for oneself. Compassion and allowance for others to navigate their own way – regardless of our understanding. 

So, today, I no longer feel on the hook for fixing my mother or repairing the wounds within my family. I know each individual must heal themselves, and perhaps, when done collectively we can experience the healing of the whole. And now, finally, I understand The Work.