Creating Change

Outlasting your resolutions

You know I've taken some big swings at New Year's resolutions. 

I can't stand them. Primarily because they are just judgments with fancy dresses on. But I can hear you screeching: Then how am I supposed to create change?

I've got you covered. 

Rather than a resolution, let's ask questions. Questions, unlike resolutions, create space and possibility. They also allow us to adapt, which, in my book, is so much kinder and more sustainable.  

So, drumroll...the questions to create lasting change are:

How can I outcreate last year? 

This can apply to bodies, businesses, relationships, and anything really. The energy of "outcreating" is so much more fun. It percolates with possibility. Its DNA feels like joy. With lighter energy, you are way more likely to create your desires. 

Once you get the energy of what you want to outcreate. Ask:

What do I need to choose in order for this to become a reality? And

Who do I need to become in order to make this choice a reality?

After those probing questions, you'll likely have some ideas for the actions you'd like to take to achieve the result you're looking for. Of the ideas that pop up for you ask:

Does this match the energy of the thing I'm choosing? 

Does this feel light and expansive? Or heavy and contracted?

Know that getting the knack for this is a process. You can't make a mistake. You simply make a new choice. 

Finally, we commune with our original desires and with the choices for the actions we'll take. Don't abandon your desires. Keep revisiting them. Keep asking questions. If you've decided you know how it's all going to go down you'll likely be disappointed. Keep an open mind, be adaptable, and follow the light energy as you go. Treat your desires as the energetic entities that they are and you'll delight in their creation. Reach out with questions.

You’re Right

I’m Wrong (the peacemakers game)

This is the shining principle of a game that I’d played for quite a long time. For many many years, there were some folks - quite close to me - that had me believing that I was wrong. I was wrong in how I made decisions. I was wrong because I didn’t see the world as they saw it. I was wrong for not judging who they believed was worthy of condemnation. I was wrong in my very being – simply for being different – simply for being me.

So, I set about being just like them. I styled my hair the way they styled theirs. I ate a diet that mimicked what they ate. And when they judged me, I found fault with me too. I must be wrong because I seemed to trigger a violent rage in them. I must be wrong because they tell me I get it wrong with increasing regularity.

The, I’m Wrong - You’re Right game is the peacemakers game. The longer we “be” wrong, the longer we buy (with our bodies and our beings) the peace. Everyone benefits from the peace we create, but us. We, the different ones, dissolve into a puddle of pooh. Literally.

I didn’t know consciously that this was what I was doing. I just knew that being “wrong” proved to be an existential threat. If I didn’t “you’re right” them I’d be cut off from the tribe. Anthropologically speaking this is the threat of death. I could not honor myself – if I did, I would die. I thought I was successful in this endeavor till my body stopped going along with the game. My body decided that if I didn’t start honoring myself – it would kill me. And it set the wheels in motion for that to happen.

So, I set about saving my own life. 

This. Was. Not. Easy.
Nor was it a one-and-done act of rebellion. 

But I kept choosing me. I chose myself by minute, hour, day, week, and month. I trained myself to choose myself. After a lifetime of prioritizing the peace of others, this was bold. It felt wrong and selfish. But I went ahead anyway. I had children to parent. I had to save my life – if not for me – then for them, so, I kept choosing.

This past fall marked 10 years since I crashed and my body stopped working in the familiar way I had known it. It marks four years since I recognized that I must choose me or die. Gratefully, I have never been healthier or happier. As an empath, my body continues to be my greatest teacher. It tells me when to venture forth and when to hold back. It tells me who embodies kindness and who judges mercilessly. All I need to do is listen and trust it.

And the tribe that had me ‘wrong’? Well, I didn’t kneejerk to: “No, you’re wrong”. Because honestly, who knows if that’s true? Am I right? I have no idea. But one thing I know with crystal clarity is that I’m not wrong for me. And the greatest gift of all is knowing, that even in their rage-fueled state, they’re not wrong either.

And what’s driving their rage? That’s not mine to figure out. My peace is my business, their rage is theirs. 

So, in this game of “you’re right – I’m wrong”, use it judiciously. Is there a cost to you when it’s employed? Who benefits from your wrongness? If you’re right – at what cost has your rightness come to you? Can you be honest with you in looking at all of that? And what’s the cost of giving up the game? 

There are no right or wrong answers here. There is only more knowing. If we can allow for it.

Can't means you don't want to

A bit of Mother's wisdom

This was my Mom's favorite response to me as a pubescent kid.

It seemed the phrase "I can't" was every other thought my brain could think of at that time. When I said it – it felt like a deep whine went along with it (not that my mother would tolerate the whining, she did not).

The phrase seemed to force me on my heels and reconsider whatever it was that I felt was stumping me.

Did I really want whatever it was it appeared I couldn't get? Was I just lazy? Did I need to ask for assistance instead? Is what I think I can't have what's required? What really was underneath the I can't?

I don't know where this pearl came from. But it was a bit of genius that got me to shift my thinking and got me out of my own way.

And here we are, in January once again. And the ether of this earth on which we stand is vibrating with all the post-holiday self-hatred, about what and how much we ate, what we could afford to do or give. I admit – I bump into this stuff too.

And then I consider the "I can't" in the midst of all this. And the response: can't means you don't want to, feels a bit heavy, albeit still true. So, more digging is required. Perhaps some questions may help to soften our points of view about our bodies and minds. So, when you have the glimmer of space to consider a different pov, try these:

If my body is saying I can't, and in the past, you would have pushed through...instead try asking:

Hey body, how would you like to move today? Or 

How can I have fun with you today?

If your mind feels stretched to the max ask:

Hey mind, how much rest do you require? Or 

With whom would you prefer to spend time (or not at all?) Or

Is this relevant?

Asking our bodies and minds questions gets us closer to a state of ease and is the surest path to finding our own way. The way that is unique to us. The way that doesn’t force us to conform to ideals that 1. we did not design and 2. are detrimental to our physical and emotional health. The only trick to asking questions of us is to trust the responses you get. Was it a flash of something you saw in your mind's eye? Was it a knowing or a whisper in your ear? Can you trust you? This is perhaps the most important question of all and I invite you to give it a try.

My energetic gift to you

If you choose it

A year ago I smashed the concept of the New Year’s Resolution. It’s a fake trigger to initiate fake change. It’s a lie we tell ourselves. We pick up this lie from our mainstream media and culture. It pushes the idea that ‘you need to change!’. ‘You’re a work in progress!’ Baloney, hooey – all of it.

What if, you are perfect, right here, right now? No assembly or batteries are required.

I’m reminded of a dear client, who recently let go from a position that she no longer wanted. When she insisted on continuing to fit her round peg into the square hole, I balked. I suggested that perhaps she could rest. I suggested that perhaps she could re-charge and then ask her body, or the birds and trees what her next step should be. 

She looked at me like I had three heads of course. But, in time, her body brought her back to me, seeking more non-threatening ways forward. Bodies are funny that way. When we get better at listening to them, they’ll let us know what’s right for us.

Ever have a friend that says, You MUST listen to this, read this article, invest in this widget, wear these clothes…and you try, but just can’t seem to get it done? Yeah, ask your body what it knows about all that. 

There is so much intelligence, literally pulsating all around us, but we’ve been trained out of seeing it. We’ve been trained out of appreciating it. And we’ve most certainly been trained not to trust it.

And that’s where I come in. 

If you’re reading this, and you’ve made it this far with me, you are undoubtedly more like me then you want to admit. And no, that doesn’t mean you have to do what I do. But can I nudge you to lighten up on you? Can I persuade you to put your feet up this holiday season (both feet up, off the ground, no cheating)? Can I encourage you to try all of life, the easy way? I know for a great many of you the words “easy way” conjures thoughts of cheating, of getting away with something. Could that be a lie you bought? What if all of your toil and efforting is concealing the greatest gifts of your life?

So, for the end of 2022, I am energetically gifting to you a more ease-filled way – if you choose: May your entire life experience be filled, like a snow globe, with gratitude, self compassion, magic, miracles and mystery all suspended in a state of wonder.

Please take a moment to take 6 deep breaths. 

Soak in the gift.

Hugs, Emily

Beyond sticky stuckness

Questioning the commitments that lock us up

Last week I discussed how we empaths get it from both sides. Our brains are hardwired for safety and our neural pathways literally can keep us stuck in a trauma-drama cycle. This feature of the human body keeps many folks locked up for decades, sometimes entire lives can be consumed by this loop.

Next we investigated that as a highly sensitive person – an empath, we can pick up the thoughts feelings and emotions of others. But instead of the trauma of the other, what shows up for us is our own familiar cast of characters, barking in your mind. Naturally we assume these triggered thoughts are ours, they’re showing up in our minds after all.

But when we question the barking, a lightness often appears. When we question, we detangle ourselves from the looping thoughts. We realize, ‘Ah, that’s right, this isn’t mine!’ and peace is restored.

This week, I unpack a more insideous layer. Insideous because it’s unconscious, totally invisible to us and yet it’s a program running us all the same. What I’m talking about are the invisible commitments that screw us. For example, if you’ve always imagined an insane level of success but on some covert level you know this will trigger your family’s judgment of you - you will sabotage yourself repeatedly.

This dysfunctional dynamic plays out in so many spheres, with our family & friends, our co-workers, culture, religions and even our bodies. How many invisible commitments are you keeping? How would you even know? And how many judgments would you have to face in order to blow past the limitations of those commitments? Yeah, it’s a lot to digest.

Questions are what shake this up. I’ve posed some below to start to jog your mind. Whichever you are most resistant to will undoubtedly contain the keys to your freedom.

What have I made significant about this person, place or thing?

Have I made any relationship more significant then me?

What do I have to do, what do I have to lose or who must I become to achieve my desires?

What am I unwilling to know, do or be that would change __fill in the blank__?

Sticky stuckness

And the shit that keeps us locked up

I just had a great visit with a friend. What I noticed is that I went on and on, at the front end of our convo, about a lot of old traumas and dramas I had endured. He's run into similar themes of heaviness in his journey so it's not unusual that I went there.

But here, I thought I was 'passed all that'. Which begged the question, why did all the garble bubble up so effortlessly? And all that garble is heavy y’all. When we pivoted and talked about movement, what each of us likes to do for fun, there was a lightness that entered the room. What brings us joy, and sharing it, was palpable.

One answer for this reversion is what brain science and trauma research tell us about the brain. In order to stay safe our old neural pathways, the ones informed by trauma, won’t ever disappear. We can crowd them out with newer, more harmonious ones, to create wellbeing in our bodies and minds, but we must keep practicing building those pathways, lest we slide back into our old groves. Sigh.

In consciousness exploration, we learn an entirely new idea, that 99% of our thoughts, feelings and emotions are not actually ours. That a great many of us (but not all) are actually quite psychic and spongy. 

As an empath, I've absolutely experienced the thoughts, feelings, emotions and physical discomforts that others around me have endured. Is it possible that my friends recent churning about his own traumas and dramas activated my own old stories? Absolutely. 

So, how do we stop this empathic looping? We begin by asking a question: Is this mine? If it feels light in anyway, that acknowledgment – that it’s not yours – will begin to disintegrate the looping thoughts and lightness will ensue. If it's heavy, then, sorry to say, it’s yours. To alleviate what’s yours, ask: How can I change this? You may or may not receive a direct response, but answers on how to bring yourself relief will surface, if we’re willing to trust ourselves. So, just keep asking, and if you need help, you know where to find me.

Self destruction

The anti-miracle machine

How much energy do you use to destroy the very thing you say you want? This seems to be the very crux of the work I do with folks. We uncover the wanted thing, then folks spend the rest of the session avoiding and defending against the very thing they say they want. It's an infinity loop. Tension wise it's like two train cars pulling in opposite directions. You get nowhere fast.

The reason folks do this is because what they want feels to them like the stuff of miracles. And they've concluded that they aren't worthy of miracles. Only folks like me, folks in a special category get to have miracles. 

And for all of that, I call bullshit.

They real reason folks don't get what they want is multifold, but two big reasons: They are so completely brainwashed by this reality that they have no reference point for miracles. You can see this happen in sports. Once upon a time, the 4 minute mile was unheard of. It was defined as an impossibility. Until, of course, someone did it. An athlete of magnitude ignored all the naysayers, put their nose down, made a choice, and achieved it.

Two. Folks have defined their miracle. This is a slightly stickier concept...when you've put hard parameters around your desires and defined what can show up, the universe can then only deliver to you what your mind can imagine. This leaves no room for the universe to blow your mind and take you beyond what you know is possible (ie: a miracle).

My own personal example of this is wanting to get married. I was done, I was ready to settle down...but finding the "one" was elusive. I went to the 'I give up' phase and focused solely on my happiness (surrender is a super important step). Then what showed up was WAY more then I could have imagined. A mate, a first-gen Italian, kind and cute, with deep roots to a fantastical place called Ischia. To me, a provincial Jersey girl, this was beyond anything I could have imagined for myself. It's as if I received a a free pass to a magical island in a magical place with a man that magically appeared.  

Again, the thinking mind and its imagination can only reach for what we know is possible - which amounts to what we've seen before. So when we reach for something beyond what's familiar, beyond our culture and beyond what our families have deemed acceptable, we're in uncharted territory. We are undefined. And being undefined is unacceptable in this reality. So we fold and collapse in on ourselves. We unconsciously keep ourselves small. And the infinity loop continues.

 So what are the steps to getting beyond this? Surrender, as mentioned above, is a great place to start. Embrace the depair and mourn your control. Then, question everything. Question every assumption. Question every limiting thought. Question everything you've concluded is true. When you live AS the question that's the step where expansion into miracles is possible.

Destruction of your image

And why it’s gonna be ok

 I’ve spent years, many many years, studying metaphysics and reading the works of spiritual teachers. When I was in High School I read Thomas Moore’s, Care of the Soul, and was never much into light and breezy novels. I wanted to know, young and early, why the heck I was here and how was I supposed to use my existence. I was steeped in Protestantism and further conditioned by a Catholic High School, which introduced me to rigidity, dogma and an thoroughly patriarchal pov. Gratefully I never bought much into those systems, but they imprinted me nonetheless.

I inhabited societal roles: daughter, sister, friend, student, girlfriend, wife and mother. I fostered an image: competent professional, art director, seeker, intuitive, peace-maker, sensitive soul. It’s not that any one of these things was a lie. But I realized late in life that if I were truly to become myself, then inevitably, some, if not all of these roles and images would change or be scraped altogether. This was not a conscious decision. It roiled below the surface as a threat way to big for me to acknowledge. But the roiling told me just how much change was coming, and I was terrified.

I learned as early as 2009, via a voice that appeared in my head, that my dear psychic friend Marge, was my mentor. Hearing that voice, knowing it wasn’t the voice of my own ego, terrified me. I connected immediately to the truth of that voice and Marge’s enormous place in my life, but I shut its meaning down right quick. I knew the cost of acknowledging the psychic path was a price greater than I was willing to pay. In closing the door and refusing to be aware, the suffering came and and worked on me for years.

Apparently I needed to learn the hard way. I carried on, continuing to ignore this pull. I played dumb, and continued to follow the path that others and the larger culture laid out for me. Being normal and fitting in was my priority. By 2012 I was in a tailspin. I was practically levitating with anxiety and my fight or flight system was in a permanent ON position. The next five years were a blur of doctors appointments, benzodiazepine dependence and subsequent protracted withdrawal symptoms, all of it a living hell.

Finally, I chose to pivot, finally, I chose me. With small steps, I clawed my way to well-being. It was not easy, nor was it a straight line.

Over time, some of the societal roles fell away and my image was forever altered. A few people stood by me. Many more did not. 

I was, admittedly, not easy to be around in this window of time. I was basically a loose wire, all charge, no ground. But I did, eventually, get to the truth of me. In the process of becoming, I deliberately chose the term: Psychic-Medium. I knew, once I’d claimed it, there was not going back. I chose to claim my weirdness with it’s fallout, attendant pressures and subsequent abandonment by others. I have exactly zero regrets, except perhaps one. I wish I’d done it a whole lot sooner.

And now, here I am. A full 10 years from that beginning and I am BEYOND grateful to be me. To be exactly where I am. I know now, this process could have been a whole lot easier and a whole lot faster. Did I need to be completely traumatized? Probably not. Could I have chosen to trust me sooner? I wish I had.

So, how about you? Have you made an unconscious commitment to learning the hard way? Have you hidden in addiction, relationship or clung to your image to avoid the invisible pull of who you actually are? Can I encourage you to give that up now? I’m here when you need me.

Commitment to Unconsciousness

And the need to be right 

I've talked about different forms of consciousness and the value of paying attention. Being unconscious, as most of us are at one point or another, is, what I call, a blind choice. Reason being, most of us don't know the full color and total ease of consciousness as a choice on the menu. Or, we have commitments to maintaining image. Image, rooted in unconsciousness, is how you try to get people to see you. It’s focus is projection of what we think is right and acceptable about us. 

So, between protecting our image and the lofty space of higher consciousness we get stuck in the polarity of ego. In between these two poles no expansion of consciousness is possible. What cements all of this in place is the rigidity of rightness and wrongness (ie, judgment of self and others). 

So how do we break with this polarity? How do we actually experience the ease of consciousness?  First acknowledge that there is a cost to maintaining your image. When your willing to have others see you as a wrong that frees up a whole lot of energy. That energy is the space of vulnerability. It’s living without a fixed point of view of who you or anyone else is. Will you be judged? Very likely. Will you have more peace, 1000%.

Can I encourage you to take a look at where you are guarding against being wrong? Can I encourage you to become more of you without the sheer terror of making a wrong decision? Can you melt into the space of no rightness and wrongness in yourself and others? 

The journey between simply being awake and traversing our way to an expanded state of consciousness is only as smooth and flat as you let it be. I personally got there after much trauma and drama. But I strongly suspect it could have been a whole lot easier. If you need some finding the ease of whatever you’re going through, you know where to find me.

Magic & Miracles

Everyday stuff of life 

 I know what you’re thinking, but hear me out...

Last week I broke down the three buckets of consciousness. I highlighted that some unconscious and conscious people have magical experiences. So what the hell am I talking about? Again, it's a spectrum, ranging from the mundane to the extraordinary. The most mundane example is the email or phone call. Most of us have had the experience of thinking of someone you haven't been in touch with in a while. Then within a few days of thinking of them they reach out. You get tickled by the experience and usually chalk it up to a “coincidence”.

An extreme example would be the experience I had meeting my mentor Marge. I had been a runner, and ran past her home for a solid year or more. After being mugged I began to look for a new place to live. In those pre-internet days that meant surfing our local free weekly newspaper. I clipped an ad that seemed to match what I was looking for, and called to make an appointment to see it. Imagine my shock and awe walking up to the same house that I had been running past (and quite drawn to). 

Some clients and folks who know my story wave me off as "special" or "gifted". It's taken me a long time to accept that that may be somewhat true. And what I always say to them, the folks with the mundane ability to know when a friend will call, is: Practice This. The only thing I'm really gifted at is taking my self seriously and paying attention. And that's something you can do to.

So, the journey to expanding consciousness - the journey into magic and miracles - begins with the choice to honor yourself and pay attention. Life can only get more enchanting from there.

The Three Cups

Unconsciousness, Anti-Consciousness and Consciousness

 Off the bat, what exactly is consciousness? The least complex definition of consciousness is that it refers to your sentient, aware or woke state. On the other end, the mystical psychiatrist Richard Bucke, defined cosmic consciousness, as “awareness of the life and order of the universe, possessed only by humans who are enlightened”. Between these two definitions is a whole lot of wiggle room. I've found that, generally speaking, between these two tent poles are three buckets:: unconscious, anti-conscious and conscious. Now unconsciousness and consciousness tend to be expressed as spectrums, with plenty of  blurry overlap. Anti -consciousness, less so. 

Unconscious
These are the folks who maintain this reality. They can range from knee jerk skeptics to folks who've experienced magic but gaslight themselves for fear of their own consciousness exploration.

These poor souls often deny magic and miracles exists, denying themselves, usually at great personal cost. They cherish fitting in and enforce others to conform. It is possible for these folks to become conscious, but the social cost of becoming conscious is usually a price greater then they’re willing to pay. Most people fall into this category.

Conscious
These folks straddle a difficult line. They've experienced magic, perhaps lots of it, but let the world convince them they're wrong for having these experiences. They get labeled "weird" they're written off and generally ignored and minimized at worst they are diagnosed mentally ill. They commonly believe there's a wrongness about themselves. A herculean effort is required by then to get out of this perception of wrongness. They perceive subtle energies of both body and mind. If they’ve received a mentally illness diagnosis many of these folks are medicated out of their self knowing.

Anti-Consciousness 
On one end of the spectrum these are the murderers of life and spirit. On the other end of the spectrum they are your master manipulators, narcissists and haters.

These are the folks that maintain a healthy thread of insanity in this reality. Not a whole lot of light can get through to them. The only good news about them is that they're in the minority.

Next week I dig in a bit about what I mean by magic. Till then...

Liberation and Hate Can't Coexist

Vulnerability has entered the chat

 A random lightening thought hit me…when you're hard at work freeing yourself of trauma, there's no time to spare judging, controlling and ultimately hating others.

What if judgement and control (I dub those the DNA of hate) are just devices that distract us from our own self realization? What happens when and if we pivot to vulnerability?

This reality has taught us that vulnerability is something to be embarrassed of. Glossed over: men are taught early to a)have all the answers and b) to stuff their feelings and to be ashamed if they express emotion. Women, conversely, are taught to hold the emotional bag for everyone else, and to do that with grace while ignoring their own wellbeing. Our present day polarized culture is an indictment of this system. It's made losers of us all.

And what we lose is the interior of our very beings. We lose connection to self: intuition, joy, wellness. We also lose intimacy in our relationships (if we ever had that in the first place). We turn into survivors of this reality and sacrifice thriving.

Is that anyway to live?

And what is vulnerability anyway?  What happens when we pivot toward it? Some aspects of vulnerability are:

• to live in a state of allowance of peoples choices, not matter the opinion we have of them. Taken even further, it's to have no judgment of other peoples choices whatsoever.

• the willingness to simply be oneself, disregarding the pressure to fit in. 

• the willingness to admit wrong thinking and doing, then risking status to make amends.

• the willingness to admit that you don't have all the answers, and awakening to understanding that you never we're supposed to have the answers in the first place

• the willingness to be kind to yourself and prioritizing that caretaking of self

• Eliminating judgement and control from your toolbox, with the full knowledge that those tools don't work to achieve the end you desired.

• the acceptance of risk and forgoing of security. Risk is inherent in this reality; and security is an illusion. And it's exactly this loss of security and adoption of risk most people are guarding against. We think, what if after embracing vulnerability, I remain unloved? 

We inhabit a reality where we've  been groomed away from our inner knowing which is the ultimate kindness to self. And the prospect of engaging our vulnerability a risk too great to take. And this is our fate. What's the antidote? Choosing different. In choice, we have an endless array of possibilities. In hate, we have an indictment and a conclusion - with no means of relief for any player.

So dear reader, can I help you make new choices? You know where to find me.

I was compared to Hitler

And also compared to the murderers of Matthew Shepard

This was the point at which I woke the fuck up, this was my turning point. 

I realized just how far these familial abusers would go, to shame me, to force me into submission with their groupthink. The reference to Matthew Shepard (God rest his soul) was an invocation of my own LGBTQ kids. To put a finer point on it – my abusers used my own queer kids in an argument against me, in an attempt to tear me down.

Even more maddening is that these are so-called “christian”, cis-het folks using the Holocaust and anti-gay violence as a comparative point to our generational family trauma. The pure privilege they demonstrated in these comparisons is as breathtaking as it is tragic.

What it ultimately boiled down to was that I wasn’t on their Hate Team. I was supposed to hate the very same person they hated, in the very same way that they hated them. Me straying from their narrative proved an existential threat. Thus I was excised from the family. Literally. The perpetrators hosted more than 20 calls, texts, emails, and in person meetings colluding to turn other members of my family against me.

I guess I must be pretty powerful to elicit these reactions. 

I accept that, yes, indeed, I am.

She Ra Princess of Power, from the animated series. Image 

Shortly after all this burst forth I found a SURJ [Showing Up For Racial Justice] article (link below) that opened my eyes to how white and male supremacy characteristics were woven into the very fabric of the familial abuse I’d suffered and saw repeated within our generational family trauma. (link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1XR_7M_9qa64zZ00_JyFVTAjmjVU-uSz8/view)

Here are some abbreviated highlights:

Fear. We fear not being good enough, not being enough, not being lovable.

Perfectionism, One Right Way, Paternalism, and Objectivity. Requiring people to think in a linear (logical) fashion and ignoring or invalidating/shaming those who think in other ways.

Qualified. This particular characteristic is internalized primarily by middle and owning class white people, formally educated, who are taught by the culture that they are qualified and even duty bound to fix, save, and set straight the world.

Either/Or and the Binary. Positioning or presenting options or issues as either/or — good/bad, right/wrong, with us/against us.

Worship of the Written Word. An inability or refusal to acknowledge information that is shared through stories, embodied knowing, intuition and the wide range of ways that we individually and collectively learn and know.

Individualism and I’m the Only One. The belief that "I" can determine the

right way, am entitled and/or qualified to do so, in isolation from and without

accountability to those most impacted by how I define the right way.

Defensiveness and Denial. People respond to new or challenging ideas with objections or criticism, making it very difficult to raise these ideas.

Right to Comfort, Fear of Open Conflict, and Power Hoarding. Scapegoating those who cause discomfort.

To see myself and my extended family's trauma so boldly illustrated within this context and framework was both deeply sad and ultimately relieving. I credit this article with helping me to see these family dynamics within the wider context of our dysfunctional culture. 

So, dear reader, let me know how all this strikes you. Do you see yourself, your family, and the organizations you work for embodying these qualities? Do you need help shaking loose from all that? I’m here to help.

Being in a cult

The ultimate abandonment of self

I’ve been preoccupied lately with documentaries about cults: Scientology, Mormonism, NXIVM, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Jewish and Christian Ultra-Orthodoxy and more. All of it super fascinating and familiar to me.

I was almost recruited into a cult back in the early 2000’s. A random encounter with a fellow yogi in an elevator led to a few lunches. Before long she invited me to meet her “friend”. From their I was invited to meet higher ranking members of their organization. I met all of this with skepticism and curiosity and quietly asked myself, where is this going? Finally I was introduced to their leader, who looked a ringer for Marlon Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau [so very creepy]! All of this courting of me came to a head when they informed me that I’d have to keep my association with them a secret from my new husband. All of my curiosity came to a screeching halt. I knew in my bones that asking me to keep a secret was a violation of me at its root, so I bowed out of that quickly.

Image: Marlon Brando as Dr. Moreau, from the movie, The Island of Dr. Moreau

I’ve alluded in the past to tumultuous events in my extended family. Essentially it became a matter of life and death for me to wake the fuck up to the fact that I had endured many, many years of abuse: gaslighting, projection and scapegoating.

Waking up was no cake walk. And what I’ve been piecing together in the years since is noticing the very same patterns of a cult hierarchy, running through my family dynamic.

Below is a condensed list of cult association qualities compiled by the renowned Clinical Psychologist, Dr. Steve Eichel, President of the Board of the International Cultic Studies Association:

• The group is focused on a living leader of which members must display an unquestioning commitment.

• Questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or even punished.

• The leadership dictates, sometimes in great detail, how members should think, act, and feel. 

• The group has a polarized us- versus-them mentality, which causes conflict with the wider society.

• The group's leader is not accountable to the group or to any authority. 

• The leadership induces guilt feelings in members in order to control them.

• Members' subservience to the group forces them to cut ties with family and friends.

It sadly took me many more years to see the cult dynamic in my family then it did to wake up to a random encounter with a fellow Yogi. But, alas, I made it. I am healing, growing and flourishing. I can not be stopped. Despite the tremendous difficulty getting to where I am now, I would trade nothing for it.

So, dear reader…has someone convinced you of your wrongness? Have you been making yourself small in order to accommodate these individuals? Can I help you out of that hole? You know where to find me.

Next week I discuss this dynamic but from the standpoint of Supremacy. Stay tuned, it’s gonna be good.

Visitation Dreams

Make you a medium

My dear client M, relayed this beautiful story. When a notable person died recently – quite suddenly, she was a bit overcome with emotion, surprising even herself. She said a clear, strong prayer for the departed, full of loving energy and kindness. 

Within a short time, she had a dream, wherein the notable person revealed themselves to her, thanked her for her prayers and assured her that they were ok. She was a bit blown away by the experience. 

In our appointment she wondered if this was her consoling herself, or if indeed she'd perceived this person in spirit. Essentially she wondered if she could believe in her own experience.
She got a resounding YES, from me. Yes, that was a real experience. Yes you had a loving and positive effect on the transitioning consciousness of that notable person. And YES, it is safe to trust in you!

So many of you have had this type of experience. And more then a few of you long for your loved ones to visit your dreams.  

Should you have a visitation dream, please know that you are not required to DO anything about it. No you don't need to become a medium. Simply receiving it as a gift from spirit is enough. Give thanks.

Now, facilitating a visitation dream is harder. Primarily because you can not make spirit DO anything. The best advice I can offer is to get away from striving and wanting. I know, easier said then done. Acceptance of what is is the best invitation to spirit. 

Recently both my husband and daughter had visitation dreams with my recently passed mother in law. They were incredibly beautiful, moving and full of meaning for each of them and for our family.

For me, I've also had dreams. What I've been able to glean from them is that my mother in law is being far more pragmatic with me. She's sending me assurances that everything I've got cooking will come to pass. I am deeply honored and reassured by her efforts to communicate.

That's it for this week. More adventures next...

A Magnetic Curse

What to make of intense attraction

 The concept of attraction can be a misnomer when what you really  feel is possessed. 

Folks, I been there. In college I went through an intense relationship that was toxic and abusive. I'll save that for another time. What got me out of that disaster was a very handsome "friend" of mine. I say friend, because despite a multi years long flirtation it went absolutely no where. Lots of heat, no flame. My dearest, most trusted girlfriends rolled their eyes at me (who could blame them). They confronted me to: wake up!! (I didn't).

I subsequently invested years of myself into what was essentially a lie, his promise of a magical future. Which begs the question, why? I only have some guesses:

I projected on to him all the magic I was unwilling, and too frightened, to claim and to be.

In my internalized mysogny, I wanted to amplify him, to stand behind him so that I could hide.

He was legit, one of the most energetically magnetic people I've ever met (I was helpless!).

Maybe we shared a past life (or a few?)

He served his purpose, to get me away from an abuser.

So how did it end? I wish I could say abruptly. But it faded, over time. It was not easy and my feelings for him lasted way longer then I'm comfortable admitting. Gratefully, now it's in hindsight. Gratefully, now I've become and I no longer hide who I am. 

For folks that are suffering this cruel fate of possession, I offer some suggestions:

First, swallow the bitter pill that you are choosing this. You taking responsibility for your piece of the energy that creates the paradigm is the start of unraveling it. Nothing to do, simply acknowledging is enough.

Next step? Start asking the big questions: 

What was the purpose of this?
What was I to learn from this?
What does this person represent that I am unwilling to do or become?
What does hiding in this entanglement get you out of?

 And finally, get your energy work done! A lot of this attraction stuff isn't cognitive and no amount of talk therapy can unravel it. 

And, as always, reach out whenever.

Glorifying Birth

Demonizing death

I've come to accept that as a medium I have a different relationship to death then the average person. I haven't experienced existential grief as others have. I count this as a major perk of my vocation.

 In grace, I also haven't experienced the loss of a partner or child. So in humility I accept that it could happen, that existential grief, and certainly pray it doesn't.

 All this allows me the wiggle room to contemplate death. What’s clear is that we, collectively, have strong feelings and negative associations about death be they cultural, religious or familial.

 And here’s a revolutionary question…what if it all was just an interesting point of view? What would happen if you examined all those associations, the things you believe, and determined if any of it were true for you?

 Now, I'm no fool - trying to gaslight you out of your grief. I know the ache of loss and It's physically exacting toll. But I do stand for shaking the trees a bit. Examining what we believe – what we've been taught – opens the door to new possibilities. And in the possibilities could be an ounce of relief. And that is something I truly desire for you all.

Let me know where this lands with you. As always, here is you need me.

Death dreams and weird happenings

The mechanics of death energy

 The first deep loss of my life was my step dad who passed a number of years ago. 

He'd been a father figure to me since I was single digits. After my final visit with him I woke suddenly and felt his presence right next to me as I was laying in bed. I remember having to pinch myself to determine if I was awake or dreaming (awake). I didn't have the presence of mind to address him or make any inquiry. I just knew that in that moment he was "gone". Later that morning I learned that he was still hanging on and that my step brother, who was staying with my parents, had the exact same experience as me, at exactly the same time. He felt his fathers presence so strongly – and suspected he'd fallen out of his hospital bed – that he checked to make sure he was safe in bed (he was). 

 With the recent passing of my mother in law, I held out hope that she'd get out of the hospital. This hope was shaken in the following weeks when one setback after another accelerated her decline. Two days before her departure I had a interesting dream. In the dream I was looking into my own mouth. Tooth after tooth was cracked and more then a few were missing. I didn't think anything of it at first, except for noting the disquieting feeling of observing a mouthful of future dental work. 

 Two days passed I knew that that day would include my kids and my last visit with my mother in law. It also occurred to me that I hadn't looked up the meaning of the dream. Below is what I found.

 By 11:45 pm, after we'd all had our last heartbreaking visit, and my husband had dozed off to sleep while sitting next to her, she slipped away, quietly. The Lioness of our pride made her peaceful exit.

The dream made me wonder how many symbols I may have received and dismissed over the years because I didn't share the religious and or cultural roots of their origin. No regrets, I'm always developing my awareness and there's always something new to learn. So how about you? Any crossroads in your life that could use re-examination? You know where to find me.

Anger & Vulnerability

What I'm not proud of

In the month preceding my mother-in-laws death, we were scrambling. Or rather my husband was scrambling and I was doing my best, whatever that was. 

One morning in the middle of all the intensity, he was processing something and needed to bend my ear. All I can say is, I got triggered. I spoke in anger and was ungenerous about my mother in law. He, naturally, got upset with me and walked out.

I was confused and smarting for a few minutes. Part of me wanted to hang on righteously to the anger. But the better part of me knew I was a horses ass for not supporting him, especially when he needed me most.

What became crystal clear in the next hour of introspection was that I was terrified. I was frightened of losing this Lioness. My mother in law had been a steady, unwavering source of love and strength for almost half of my life. Underneath the anger was a vulnerability that revealed just how frightened I was of losing her. When I got down to the truth, I wept. Gone was the heavy feeling of trying to out maneuver something I was powerless to control.

When I put this together, and gratefully my ignorance didn't last long, I of course, apologized to my husband.

What I know with complete certainty now is that our vulnerability is a super power. Our anger and judgments are a smoke screen keeping us from the truth, from well-being and even from bittersweet grief.

We protect ourselves so hard against these forces, completely wrapped up in our right-ness and justifications. I think we're fully convinced we'll perish if we expose our vulnerability.

Could the same be true for you? Could your anger and judgments be stopping the flow of all good things? I'm here if you need me.

Generosity of Spirit

Missing my Mother in Law

I have some sad news, dear reader. My mother-in-law, Rosa Sasso, died on July 22nd. She was 84 years old. Less than one month earlier she had attended my son's 5th Grade graduation, pictured below. I can hardly believe she's gone.

She entered the hospital shortly after that graduation and within a few weeks she took a precipitous turn. She was admitted with low back pain - struggling kidneys. Then she contracted COVID and recovered. Then her kidneys took a turn and the remedy (dialysis), became more than her delicate condition could handle. She died peacefully just 3 weeks after she entered the hospital.

To say she was a force of nature would be an understatement. She was my mother-in-law and friend for 22 years and I'll never forget the day we met. It was the summer and Augie and I had been dating a few weeks. By week two we knew we were getting married and it was time to meet his family. I was nervous. I sat next to his mom and sister, attempted small talk, smiled, and spilled my water. As we left her house my future MIL stood on her stoop and sang an old Neapolitan tune. Her neighbor, strummed his guitar to accompany her. The entire experience felt like I'd entered a scene in the movie Moonstruck. I was a goner.

Little did I know that that song was the least of her generosity. Later on, she gave my husband and I almost $30k to finalize the down payment on our home. This was money she'd scrimped and saved over years, working as a factory seamstress and then a home health care attendant.

When I brought our first baby home she promptly quit her home health care clients to care for her first grandchild. At the time I couldn't quite wrap my head around this level of generosity. It was foreign to me, but innate to her. After my second child was born, I was headed back to work and overcome with emotion, trying to leave my newborn behind. She put her hand on my back and said, "Forza," strength. It was exactly the medicine I needed in that moment.

I wrote this dispatch from her home in Ischia, Italy. We were supposed to make this trip with her and felt strange and disorienting without her. In the coming weeks I'll unpack more of the mechanics of being a medium and managing grief. It's been a wild ride to say the least. For now I'll wish for you what she gifted me, Forza, strength for whatever it is that you face. Till next time...