Elusive Courage

Elusive Courage
and the infinity loop of sameness

That’s it. That’s the fractional equation. On the top is Courage. On the bottom, is the drudgery of getting what you always get: sameness. 

And do you remember 8th grade? They taught us to divide the bottom of the equation into the top. Ultimately, the only way to solve the equation is to have the courage to do something different. Choosing you is different. Going against the grain is different. Being outspoken in a quiet room is different.  And that folks, is about all that I math. 

It’s important to note: the courage to be different DOES NOT feel comfortable. Are you ready to give that up? Your precious comfort? But what is comfort anyway? More sameness. More streaming Netflix instead of writing your own story. More idol worship of your favorite musicians, but never penning your song. More numbing in the myriad of ways that we choose to numb and more of what you’ve always gotten.

I had a wild client a while back. They were convinced that they were an artist of extraordinary measure, they just hadn’t put pen to paper yet. I was a bit mystified, but, the gist seemed familiar to me. They were a fellow intuitive. They had a sense of their destiny, they knew the greatness of the story that could unfold for them. Yet they hadn’t dared take a leap. They were stuck between the rocks of Potential & Ego.

See, they wanted a guarantee, and they had already developed a Picasso-sized ego that prevented their momentum. The guarantee they wanted was their assured success. They wanted receipts of wild success before the journey even began. And while I did see talent and sparkling promise – I could also see their rigidity, inability to allow for vulnerability and soul-sucking pride. All of which would keep them firmly where they were.

So how about you? Are you stuck in a circling flight pattern of sameness? Can I encourage you to say fuck all to your demons and do it (whatever ‘it’ is for you) anyway? I hope so. I am living proof that it gets wildly & wonderfully better.

Personal Allowance

Personal Allowance
professional allowance

I waxed on last week about personal allowance. How I didn’t have all of me till I learned to allow for myself. For years I celebrated others and thought I allowed and made way for myself, but it was a lie. I kept myself small and danced to the beat of other drums. I did this to maintain jobs, friendships, and relationships with family. At great cost to me, I would later learn. All of this falls under the umbrella of personal allowance, or in my case, lack of allowance.

Professional allowance, a silly phrase I coined, is everything outside of that. It’s the crazy president of the moment that we can’t allow for. It’s the co-worker we gossip about. It’s the monetary system we know is “wrong” but somehow we’re living within the confines of it. Basically, it’s everything we complain about that we have no control over.

I had a client a while back who wanted more information about an offer I had. As our email correspondence grew I got the sense that she was looking to make the “right” decision. Where had I been schooled? To whom or what system or lineage was I from? My gut told me that she was paralyzed by identity politics and wanted to ensure her further education fit her worldview of rightness and wrongness. Oy. 

Needless to say, I disappointed her without regret.

And herein lies the challenge. Can you co-exist within a system that you disagree with? Or will you use it to bludgeon and distract yourself and never allow your creations to bear fruit because the environment is unfriendly? That is the rub.

Can I throw you a line?

Please consider:

• That everything you rail about isn’t your reality, nor your creation, and furthermore, you can’t fix this reality (trust me, I’ve tried). 

• That you are here to create a different reality and we’re all depending on you, so get craken’!

• That you can’t save anyone or anything, but yourself. Really, you can’t, so please stop trying and just save yourself, k?

It was only when I got that this isn’t my reality, did I feel entirely free to betray it. So, I encourage you to do the same. Betray this reality of polarity and division – rightness and wrongness. Be the artist that you are, with reckless abandon. Don’t apologize for your splendor and color. Give it to us, we’re waiting for you, only somewhat patiently.

What’s Required to Receive

What’s Required to Receive
the Art of Allowance

I heard a quote not long ago that went something like, ‘In order for anything in your life to not be going well, you’ve likely been unwilling to be, know, perceive or receive.’

Oof, that hit me right in the gut as I resonated with the hammer of truth in it.

In my own experience, I spent a large chunk of my life wallowing in depression and the tunnel of chronic illness. I lamented that I couldn’t ‘get better’ till I felt better. But I knew, fundamentally, that this betrayed a ‘knowing’ I had at that time. I had hints of knowing that I was using depression and chronic illness to hide. 

Ouch, it’s hard to be vulnerable and admit that.

Now that I have the 20/20 vision of hindsight I can see that this ‘knowing’ would pop into my mind every now and then. It wasn’t a thought that I dwelled on and conjured. It was definitely a knowing which rose into my consciousness, without judgment or scorn. It just appeared, like a cloud, which I quickly and repeatedly batted away.

This insistent knowing continued to flair over those years. It pointed to something I was unwilling to “be”. I was unwilling to be Me. Weird, intuitive, kind, hyper-sensitive, vulnerable, and courageous me - in hiding. It’s no wonder I was sick! 

Becoming myself has been a journey. It required a lot more courage than I ever could have imagined. But critically – it required allowance. Allowance to let myself be the total freak of nature that I am. Allowance to lose everything I thought was crucial to my survival and happiness: my career, friends, and family. 

Poof gone.

Now I am in a beautiful state of sublime receiving. It’s as if every debt owed to me by this glorious universe is coming due. Everything I thought I lost has been backfilled with authentic joy. Joy in my body. Joy in my relationships. Joy emanates from my very being. It’s good to be me.

I wish all those years ago I had asked for help. I honestly didn’t know how. But so many of you - my clients and friends, inspire me with the support you choose for yourself. So, keep on keeping on – allowing for you. And if you need some help connecting the dots – like I had to do for me, give me a holler.

The Space Created

Now That We’re Less Stupid

In the last few weeks I’ve unpacked Knowing, Being, and Perceiving. To sum up, when you know you know, you don’t need outside confirmation for you to trust yourself. When you relax into yourself you have more access to Being – congrats if you’ve reclaimed some of yourself from the programming of doing. And when you pay attention you Perceive. Perception is a fundamental step to being less dumb and owning what we notice. These attributes combined, create a sweet space. This is the space of receiving. 

What the hell is receiving? It’s our ability to be totally present to life. To receive absolutely everything without judgment. A lot of people will reject this. Who wants a head cold? Or for their car to break down? We all want the roses without the thorns, I get it. But if we parse out what we’re receiving we inevitably cut ourselves off from what we want or what could expand our world and delight us.

This looks like:

• Me, really wanting a lap cat, but not willing to receive the stray cat outside, only to discover, he’s a lovebug lap cat extraordinaire.

• A client, resisting making more money, avoiding growth, to avoid receiving a larger tax bill.

• Another client, so full of judgments of their body they won’t allow themselves to receive love.

• And another, so in fear of receiving their family’s judgment, they won’t come out of the closet.

We all do this, in ways large and small. We modulate, bend and contort ourselves so as to not receive. And when the damn breaks, as it does, the pent-up energy behind not receiving can be a destructive clarifying force. This is not comfortable or easy. But what rushes into the sweet space created when we’re willing to receive? In my case a sweet lap cat, in my client’s cases, hot juicy sex, loving connection & relationship, and larger sums of money. And that folks, is the magic of receiving. 

Getting Less Stupid

Makes Room for Wisdom

About a thousand years ago, when I was a wee lass my mother gave me a great gift. She observed me and told me that I was “very perceptive”. Even though I was very young, I took this as a great compliment. Surprisingly, given my age, I knew what it meant.

What she and I didn’t know at the time was that I was perceptive due to the trauma and drama to which I was exposed. See, my parents had a contentious relationship, a contentious divorce, and a contentious co-parenting relationship. Many of us now know that living without a sense of ease puts you and your body in a constant state of fight/flight. I developed the skill of perception to order to adapt to my environment. 

Now, please don’t assume I’m making a rightness or wrongness out of my parents and their parenting skills. It was a different time and culturally speaking, they weren’t supposed to get a divorce, much less do it with finesse. There was exactly zero support back then for parents in the midst of dissolving their relationship. So, it was what it was and gratefully they shaped who I am today.

Given what I’ve learned and how far I’ve come I now know perceiving is like an unlocked level of the video game of life. The dictionary tells us that perception is: awareness of something through the senses, i.e., the body’s ability to see, feel, hear, taste, and touch. I would add that it’s all of that, your percolating senses –  plus the context of what you’re experiencing at the moment. For example, perception is crucial to quickly get a beat on the environment you’re in, the relationship you’re considering, and the thing you’re thinking of adding to your life. 

Where things go sideways is when we confuse what we perceive with our feelings. This happens A LOT because, in this reality, feelings are our prized possessions! Who would we be without our precious feelings? We create identity out of our feelings. We judge others by our feelings. We start wars over who is or isn’t in alignment with our feelings. And on and on, it's exhausting.

Now, if we pull the lens out, we can use perception to prevent us from even falling into the feelings trap. A short and sweet example might look like this…you have a friend who’s offered to help you move. You’ve experienced their inability to return a phone call or text. You’ve seen them get fired from their job. And you know they owe another friend a good sum of money and are avoiding said friend. Now, what are the chances you can actually depend on this friend in your hour of need? In this scenario, it may seem kind of obvious. But still, folks will engage the friend in the task. This friend may say Yes – they’ll help you, and have the very best of intentions too! And when the plan goes to shit - ooh do we get mad (queue the feelings!). So how to cultivate your perceptiveness? Some ideas below…

• Be quiet and observe. Know that what you observe will be different from what someone else witnessing the same person/place or thing will observe. Know that there is no right or wrong in anyones perceptions.

• Take notes. I keep an Awareness Journal. It captures my Knowings (as discussed at the start of the month) as well as my Perceptions. Over time, I’ll see how seemingly abstract knowings & perceptions dovetail with each other.

• Stop gaslighting you. Like the example above, when there is ample evidence to support a working conclusion (that the friend will bail on you) then that is an invitation to begin to listen to what we perceive. Our feelings will tell us that we should prioritize the friend and their good intentions. But folks, that is not going to get your couch to the new apartment!

Have fun with all of this. If you begin to practice with your perceptions you’ll feel less stupid over time. Get less irritated with yourself and be wiser. What could be better than that?

My Favorite 5-Star review

From One of My Biggest Critics

I don’t talk much in my newsletters about being a parent. There’s an awful lot to say. Mostly from the POV of how I’m winging it and don’t really know what I’m doing. Well, maybe 18 years in, that’s not entirely true, I may know a little. 

An understanding that brought so much ease in parenting has been that I can't control my kid - much as I've tried. Nor can I control their life experience and the hard knocks they may receive. I’ve definitely tried, like most mothers, to prevent my kids from experiencing pain. Side note: it doesn’t work in the long run and it’s exhausting.

What I can give them is something great and even more precious than the avoidance of pain. I can encourage their ability to Be, Know, Perceive and Receive. I’ll spend time in future emails unpacking each of these attributes. But for today I’ll focus on their ability to Know.

I spent years telling my kids that when they ride the train alone, without us chaperoning, they need to listen to their gut. That if something enters their awareness and they sense it is off, IT IS OFF, and they should follow that knowing to a place of safety. Now that they’re older I’ve expanded it to apply to absolutely everything (and yes, I should have encouraged this earlier). When something like this occurs, where we tend to get stuck, is that we look around and see what others are doing. Perhaps they’re not reacting, or they’re avoiding, and what you get stuck in is the Thinking. It’s really important to distinguish between Knowing and Thinking. Knowing is instantaneous. Thinking requires an assessment of what’s going on outside of you + time. The ability to listen and ultimately follow your own knowing is a rare gift called agency.

My oldest is in college now. She’s had a front-row seat to my total implosion and resurrection. I would not have chosen that for her. But, alas, here we are. During her winter break, she shared with me an essay she wrote about her role model. I was honored and struck that she chose me. Here are some highlights of my favorite 5 star review. Enjoy – and follow your knowing…

When someone asks me who my role model is, I always say it's my mom. She has always proven to be there when I needed her the most. And she pushes me to do the things that make me happy.

After my mom decided to quit her corporate job, It was a struggle for a while. It was hard seeing my mom face backlash from her family, and not get the respect that she deserves. But ultimately her hard work paid off. Because of her, I know to stick with what is going to make me happy, and that it may be hard at first but it will always pay off. 

I have seen my mom make mistakes because no matter who your role model is, no one is perfect. But I’m grateful that I’ve been able to see when she messes up, because I don't want the person I look up to put on a facade, and she is the most honest person I know. Her honesty has allowed me to see that there is always a brighter side to the things that happen in life, and that you can only move forward. 

When I think of her I think of a woman who through ups and downs has never given up, and it gives me the motivation to keep pushing no matter what I encounter. 

Total Freedom

The willingness to be wrong 

I think we've all had a circumstance where we're on the spot. Someone, who's important, expects an answer from us. And we're paralyzed with fear. The fear is complex, perhaps we generally don't know the answer. Or perhaps we know what's true for us, and the truth of that will put us in conflict with that important person. So we make ourselves small. We shy away from our truth. We avoid being "wrong".

Or you're like a client of mine. A lovely person in a long-term relationship - a relationship that is barreling toward marriage. But there are folks close to them, disparaging the one they love. They're petrified to marry the person deemed "wrong" by their family. 

This reality has done a bang-up job on us. We're such perfect little sheep. By the time we're 18, we're fully trained to march to the beat of someone else's drum. They tell us what parameters we can play within. They tell us who is acceptable and who isn't. Often they determine what we will study. I think the clinical word for all of this is co-dependence. It's rampant and it's heartbreaking.

What locks us in is the sheer terror of being wrong and its cascading effects. In the case of my client, it was abundantly clear to me that this relationship was paramount and foundational. They were the moon and she was the ocean. They belonged together. 

For years she had barely been able to keep the family judgment of her beloved at bay. And now, nearing the biggest commitment of her life, the naysayers had taken over her mind. She was ready to abandon not only her beloved - but herself.

It's an awful spot to know you will go against your family by choosing the one you love. But, such is the problem with judgment and families. Judgment is always a tool of control. This situation is also not likely the only area of her life they are controlling her.

I saw kindness and a connection to her beloved. I saw them as more powerful together than apart. It's important to note, I did not "see" her in a 50-year marriage. Nor did I see a future full of joy and charm. Those are not a given, those are a choice that couples endeavor together. But the prospects looked good.

Perhaps in 2023, you'll check in with you. Are you reeling from the control and judgment of family, friends, religion, or culture? There's a way out. You simply choose yourself, again and again. I’m here to encourage you if need be.

Creating Change

Outlasting your resolutions

You know I've taken some big swings at New Year's resolutions. 

I can't stand them. Primarily because they are just judgments with fancy dresses on. But I can hear you screeching: Then how am I supposed to create change?

I've got you covered. 

Rather than a resolution, let's ask questions. Questions, unlike resolutions, create space and possibility. They also allow us to adapt, which, in my book, is so much kinder and more sustainable.  

So, drumroll...the questions to create lasting change are:

How can I outcreate last year? 

This can apply to bodies, businesses, relationships, and anything really. The energy of "outcreating" is so much more fun. It percolates with possibility. Its DNA feels like joy. With lighter energy, you are way more likely to create your desires. 

Once you get the energy of what you want to outcreate. Ask:

What do I need to choose in order for this to become a reality? And

Who do I need to become in order to make this choice a reality?

After those probing questions, you'll likely have some ideas for the actions you'd like to take to achieve the result you're looking for. Of the ideas that pop up for you ask:

Does this match the energy of the thing I'm choosing? 

Does this feel light and expansive? Or heavy and contracted?

Know that getting the knack for this is a process. You can't make a mistake. You simply make a new choice. 

Finally, we commune with our original desires and with the choices for the actions we'll take. Don't abandon your desires. Keep revisiting them. Keep asking questions. If you've decided you know how it's all going to go down you'll likely be disappointed. Keep an open mind, be adaptable, and follow the light energy as you go. Treat your desires as the energetic entities that they are and you'll delight in their creation. Reach out with questions.

You’re Right

I’m Wrong (the peacemakers game)

This is the shining principle of a game that I’d played for quite a long time. For many many years, there were some folks - quite close to me - that had me believing that I was wrong. I was wrong in how I made decisions. I was wrong because I didn’t see the world as they saw it. I was wrong for not judging who they believed was worthy of condemnation. I was wrong in my very being – simply for being different – simply for being me.

So, I set about being just like them. I styled my hair the way they styled theirs. I ate a diet that mimicked what they ate. And when they judged me, I found fault with me too. I must be wrong because I seemed to trigger a violent rage in them. I must be wrong because they tell me I get it wrong with increasing regularity.

The, I’m Wrong - You’re Right game is the peacemakers game. The longer we “be” wrong, the longer we buy (with our bodies and our beings) the peace. Everyone benefits from the peace we create, but us. We, the different ones, dissolve into a puddle of pooh. Literally.

I didn’t know consciously that this was what I was doing. I just knew that being “wrong” proved to be an existential threat. If I didn’t “you’re right” them I’d be cut off from the tribe. Anthropologically speaking this is the threat of death. I could not honor myself – if I did, I would die. I thought I was successful in this endeavor till my body stopped going along with the game. My body decided that if I didn’t start honoring myself – it would kill me. And it set the wheels in motion for that to happen.

So, I set about saving my own life. 

This. Was. Not. Easy.
Nor was it a one-and-done act of rebellion. 

But I kept choosing me. I chose myself by minute, hour, day, week, and month. I trained myself to choose myself. After a lifetime of prioritizing the peace of others, this was bold. It felt wrong and selfish. But I went ahead anyway. I had children to parent. I had to save my life – if not for me – then for them, so, I kept choosing.

This past fall marked 10 years since I crashed and my body stopped working in the familiar way I had known it. It marks four years since I recognized that I must choose me or die. Gratefully, I have never been healthier or happier. As an empath, my body continues to be my greatest teacher. It tells me when to venture forth and when to hold back. It tells me who embodies kindness and who judges mercilessly. All I need to do is listen and trust it.

And the tribe that had me ‘wrong’? Well, I didn’t kneejerk to: “No, you’re wrong”. Because honestly, who knows if that’s true? Am I right? I have no idea. But one thing I know with crystal clarity is that I’m not wrong for me. And the greatest gift of all is knowing, that even in their rage-fueled state, they’re not wrong either.

And what’s driving their rage? That’s not mine to figure out. My peace is my business, their rage is theirs. 

So, in this game of “you’re right – I’m wrong”, use it judiciously. Is there a cost to you when it’s employed? Who benefits from your wrongness? If you’re right – at what cost has your rightness come to you? Can you be honest with you in looking at all of that? And what’s the cost of giving up the game? 

There are no right or wrong answers here. There is only more knowing. If we can allow for it.

Can't means you don't want to

A bit of Mother's wisdom

This was my Mom's favorite response to me as a pubescent kid.

It seemed the phrase "I can't" was every other thought my brain could think of at that time. When I said it – it felt like a deep whine went along with it (not that my mother would tolerate the whining, she did not).

The phrase seemed to force me on my heels and reconsider whatever it was that I felt was stumping me.

Did I really want whatever it was it appeared I couldn't get? Was I just lazy? Did I need to ask for assistance instead? Is what I think I can't have what's required? What really was underneath the I can't?

I don't know where this pearl came from. But it was a bit of genius that got me to shift my thinking and got me out of my own way.

And here we are, in January once again. And the ether of this earth on which we stand is vibrating with all the post-holiday self-hatred, about what and how much we ate, what we could afford to do or give. I admit – I bump into this stuff too.

And then I consider the "I can't" in the midst of all this. And the response: can't means you don't want to, feels a bit heavy, albeit still true. So, more digging is required. Perhaps some questions may help to soften our points of view about our bodies and minds. So, when you have the glimmer of space to consider a different pov, try these:

If my body is saying I can't, and in the past, you would have pushed through...instead try asking:

Hey body, how would you like to move today? Or 

How can I have fun with you today?

If your mind feels stretched to the max ask:

Hey mind, how much rest do you require? Or 

With whom would you prefer to spend time (or not at all?) Or

Is this relevant?

Asking our bodies and minds questions gets us closer to a state of ease and is the surest path to finding our own way. The way that is unique to us. The way that doesn’t force us to conform to ideals that 1. we did not design and 2. are detrimental to our physical and emotional health. The only trick to asking questions of us is to trust the responses you get. Was it a flash of something you saw in your mind's eye? Was it a knowing or a whisper in your ear? Can you trust you? This is perhaps the most important question of all and I invite you to give it a try.

My energetic gift to you

If you choose it

A year ago I smashed the concept of the New Year’s Resolution. It’s a fake trigger to initiate fake change. It’s a lie we tell ourselves. We pick up this lie from our mainstream media and culture. It pushes the idea that ‘you need to change!’. ‘You’re a work in progress!’ Baloney, hooey – all of it.

What if, you are perfect, right here, right now? No assembly or batteries are required.

I’m reminded of a dear client, who recently let go from a position that she no longer wanted. When she insisted on continuing to fit her round peg into the square hole, I balked. I suggested that perhaps she could rest. I suggested that perhaps she could re-charge and then ask her body, or the birds and trees what her next step should be. 

She looked at me like I had three heads of course. But, in time, her body brought her back to me, seeking more non-threatening ways forward. Bodies are funny that way. When we get better at listening to them, they’ll let us know what’s right for us.

Ever have a friend that says, You MUST listen to this, read this article, invest in this widget, wear these clothes…and you try, but just can’t seem to get it done? Yeah, ask your body what it knows about all that. 

There is so much intelligence, literally pulsating all around us, but we’ve been trained out of seeing it. We’ve been trained out of appreciating it. And we’ve most certainly been trained not to trust it.

And that’s where I come in. 

If you’re reading this, and you’ve made it this far with me, you are undoubtedly more like me then you want to admit. And no, that doesn’t mean you have to do what I do. But can I nudge you to lighten up on you? Can I persuade you to put your feet up this holiday season (both feet up, off the ground, no cheating)? Can I encourage you to try all of life, the easy way? I know for a great many of you the words “easy way” conjures thoughts of cheating, of getting away with something. Could that be a lie you bought? What if all of your toil and efforting is concealing the greatest gifts of your life?

So, for the end of 2022, I am energetically gifting to you a more ease-filled way – if you choose: May your entire life experience be filled, like a snow globe, with gratitude, self compassion, magic, miracles and mystery all suspended in a state of wonder.

Please take a moment to take 6 deep breaths. 

Soak in the gift.

Hugs, Emily

Beyond sticky stuckness

Questioning the commitments that lock us up

Last week I discussed how we empaths get it from both sides. Our brains are hardwired for safety and our neural pathways literally can keep us stuck in a trauma-drama cycle. This feature of the human body keeps many folks locked up for decades, sometimes entire lives can be consumed by this loop.

Next we investigated that as a highly sensitive person – an empath, we can pick up the thoughts feelings and emotions of others. But instead of the trauma of the other, what shows up for us is our own familiar cast of characters, barking in your mind. Naturally we assume these triggered thoughts are ours, they’re showing up in our minds after all.

But when we question the barking, a lightness often appears. When we question, we detangle ourselves from the looping thoughts. We realize, ‘Ah, that’s right, this isn’t mine!’ and peace is restored.

This week, I unpack a more insideous layer. Insideous because it’s unconscious, totally invisible to us and yet it’s a program running us all the same. What I’m talking about are the invisible commitments that screw us. For example, if you’ve always imagined an insane level of success but on some covert level you know this will trigger your family’s judgment of you - you will sabotage yourself repeatedly.

This dysfunctional dynamic plays out in so many spheres, with our family & friends, our co-workers, culture, religions and even our bodies. How many invisible commitments are you keeping? How would you even know? And how many judgments would you have to face in order to blow past the limitations of those commitments? Yeah, it’s a lot to digest.

Questions are what shake this up. I’ve posed some below to start to jog your mind. Whichever you are most resistant to will undoubtedly contain the keys to your freedom.

What have I made significant about this person, place or thing?

Have I made any relationship more significant then me?

What do I have to do, what do I have to lose or who must I become to achieve my desires?

What am I unwilling to know, do or be that would change __fill in the blank__?

Sticky stuckness

And the shit that keeps us locked up

I just had a great visit with a friend. What I noticed is that I went on and on, at the front end of our convo, about a lot of old traumas and dramas I had endured. He's run into similar themes of heaviness in his journey so it's not unusual that I went there.

But here, I thought I was 'passed all that'. Which begged the question, why did all the garble bubble up so effortlessly? And all that garble is heavy y’all. When we pivoted and talked about movement, what each of us likes to do for fun, there was a lightness that entered the room. What brings us joy, and sharing it, was palpable.

One answer for this reversion is what brain science and trauma research tell us about the brain. In order to stay safe our old neural pathways, the ones informed by trauma, won’t ever disappear. We can crowd them out with newer, more harmonious ones, to create wellbeing in our bodies and minds, but we must keep practicing building those pathways, lest we slide back into our old groves. Sigh.

In consciousness exploration, we learn an entirely new idea, that 99% of our thoughts, feelings and emotions are not actually ours. That a great many of us (but not all) are actually quite psychic and spongy. 

As an empath, I've absolutely experienced the thoughts, feelings, emotions and physical discomforts that others around me have endured. Is it possible that my friends recent churning about his own traumas and dramas activated my own old stories? Absolutely. 

So, how do we stop this empathic looping? We begin by asking a question: Is this mine? If it feels light in anyway, that acknowledgment – that it’s not yours – will begin to disintegrate the looping thoughts and lightness will ensue. If it's heavy, then, sorry to say, it’s yours. To alleviate what’s yours, ask: How can I change this? You may or may not receive a direct response, but answers on how to bring yourself relief will surface, if we’re willing to trust ourselves. So, just keep asking, and if you need help, you know where to find me.

Self destruction

The anti-miracle machine

How much energy do you use to destroy the very thing you say you want? This seems to be the very crux of the work I do with folks. We uncover the wanted thing, then folks spend the rest of the session avoiding and defending against the very thing they say they want. It's an infinity loop. Tension wise it's like two train cars pulling in opposite directions. You get nowhere fast.

The reason folks do this is because what they want feels to them like the stuff of miracles. And they've concluded that they aren't worthy of miracles. Only folks like me, folks in a special category get to have miracles. 

And for all of that, I call bullshit.

They real reason folks don't get what they want is multifold, but two big reasons: They are so completely brainwashed by this reality that they have no reference point for miracles. You can see this happen in sports. Once upon a time, the 4 minute mile was unheard of. It was defined as an impossibility. Until, of course, someone did it. An athlete of magnitude ignored all the naysayers, put their nose down, made a choice, and achieved it.

Two. Folks have defined their miracle. This is a slightly stickier concept...when you've put hard parameters around your desires and defined what can show up, the universe can then only deliver to you what your mind can imagine. This leaves no room for the universe to blow your mind and take you beyond what you know is possible (ie: a miracle).

My own personal example of this is wanting to get married. I was done, I was ready to settle down...but finding the "one" was elusive. I went to the 'I give up' phase and focused solely on my happiness (surrender is a super important step). Then what showed up was WAY more then I could have imagined. A mate, a first-gen Italian, kind and cute, with deep roots to a fantastical place called Ischia. To me, a provincial Jersey girl, this was beyond anything I could have imagined for myself. It's as if I received a a free pass to a magical island in a magical place with a man that magically appeared.  

Again, the thinking mind and its imagination can only reach for what we know is possible - which amounts to what we've seen before. So when we reach for something beyond what's familiar, beyond our culture and beyond what our families have deemed acceptable, we're in uncharted territory. We are undefined. And being undefined is unacceptable in this reality. So we fold and collapse in on ourselves. We unconsciously keep ourselves small. And the infinity loop continues.

 So what are the steps to getting beyond this? Surrender, as mentioned above, is a great place to start. Embrace the depair and mourn your control. Then, question everything. Question every assumption. Question every limiting thought. Question everything you've concluded is true. When you live AS the question that's the step where expansion into miracles is possible.

Destruction of your image

And why it’s gonna be ok

 I’ve spent years, many many years, studying metaphysics and reading the works of spiritual teachers. When I was in High School I read Thomas Moore’s, Care of the Soul, and was never much into light and breezy novels. I wanted to know, young and early, why the heck I was here and how was I supposed to use my existence. I was steeped in Protestantism and further conditioned by a Catholic High School, which introduced me to rigidity, dogma and an thoroughly patriarchal pov. Gratefully I never bought much into those systems, but they imprinted me nonetheless.

I inhabited societal roles: daughter, sister, friend, student, girlfriend, wife and mother. I fostered an image: competent professional, art director, seeker, intuitive, peace-maker, sensitive soul. It’s not that any one of these things was a lie. But I realized late in life that if I were truly to become myself, then inevitably, some, if not all of these roles and images would change or be scraped altogether. This was not a conscious decision. It roiled below the surface as a threat way to big for me to acknowledge. But the roiling told me just how much change was coming, and I was terrified.

I learned as early as 2009, via a voice that appeared in my head, that my dear psychic friend Marge, was my mentor. Hearing that voice, knowing it wasn’t the voice of my own ego, terrified me. I connected immediately to the truth of that voice and Marge’s enormous place in my life, but I shut its meaning down right quick. I knew the cost of acknowledging the psychic path was a price greater than I was willing to pay. In closing the door and refusing to be aware, the suffering came and and worked on me for years.

Apparently I needed to learn the hard way. I carried on, continuing to ignore this pull. I played dumb, and continued to follow the path that others and the larger culture laid out for me. Being normal and fitting in was my priority. By 2012 I was in a tailspin. I was practically levitating with anxiety and my fight or flight system was in a permanent ON position. The next five years were a blur of doctors appointments, benzodiazepine dependence and subsequent protracted withdrawal symptoms, all of it a living hell.

Finally, I chose to pivot, finally, I chose me. With small steps, I clawed my way to well-being. It was not easy, nor was it a straight line.

Over time, some of the societal roles fell away and my image was forever altered. A few people stood by me. Many more did not. 

I was, admittedly, not easy to be around in this window of time. I was basically a loose wire, all charge, no ground. But I did, eventually, get to the truth of me. In the process of becoming, I deliberately chose the term: Psychic-Medium. I knew, once I’d claimed it, there was not going back. I chose to claim my weirdness with it’s fallout, attendant pressures and subsequent abandonment by others. I have exactly zero regrets, except perhaps one. I wish I’d done it a whole lot sooner.

And now, here I am. A full 10 years from that beginning and I am BEYOND grateful to be me. To be exactly where I am. I know now, this process could have been a whole lot easier and a whole lot faster. Did I need to be completely traumatized? Probably not. Could I have chosen to trust me sooner? I wish I had.

So, how about you? Have you made an unconscious commitment to learning the hard way? Have you hidden in addiction, relationship or clung to your image to avoid the invisible pull of who you actually are? Can I encourage you to give that up now? I’m here when you need me.

Commitment to Unconsciousness

And the need to be right 

I've talked about different forms of consciousness and the value of paying attention. Being unconscious, as most of us are at one point or another, is, what I call, a blind choice. Reason being, most of us don't know the full color and total ease of consciousness as a choice on the menu. Or, we have commitments to maintaining image. Image, rooted in unconsciousness, is how you try to get people to see you. It’s focus is projection of what we think is right and acceptable about us. 

So, between protecting our image and the lofty space of higher consciousness we get stuck in the polarity of ego. In between these two poles no expansion of consciousness is possible. What cements all of this in place is the rigidity of rightness and wrongness (ie, judgment of self and others). 

So how do we break with this polarity? How do we actually experience the ease of consciousness?  First acknowledge that there is a cost to maintaining your image. When your willing to have others see you as a wrong that frees up a whole lot of energy. That energy is the space of vulnerability. It’s living without a fixed point of view of who you or anyone else is. Will you be judged? Very likely. Will you have more peace, 1000%.

Can I encourage you to take a look at where you are guarding against being wrong? Can I encourage you to become more of you without the sheer terror of making a wrong decision? Can you melt into the space of no rightness and wrongness in yourself and others? 

The journey between simply being awake and traversing our way to an expanded state of consciousness is only as smooth and flat as you let it be. I personally got there after much trauma and drama. But I strongly suspect it could have been a whole lot easier. If you need some finding the ease of whatever you’re going through, you know where to find me.

Magic & Miracles

Everyday stuff of life 

 I know what you’re thinking, but hear me out...

Last week I broke down the three buckets of consciousness. I highlighted that some unconscious and conscious people have magical experiences. So what the hell am I talking about? Again, it's a spectrum, ranging from the mundane to the extraordinary. The most mundane example is the email or phone call. Most of us have had the experience of thinking of someone you haven't been in touch with in a while. Then within a few days of thinking of them they reach out. You get tickled by the experience and usually chalk it up to a “coincidence”.

An extreme example would be the experience I had meeting my mentor Marge. I had been a runner, and ran past her home for a solid year or more. After being mugged I began to look for a new place to live. In those pre-internet days that meant surfing our local free weekly newspaper. I clipped an ad that seemed to match what I was looking for, and called to make an appointment to see it. Imagine my shock and awe walking up to the same house that I had been running past (and quite drawn to). 

Some clients and folks who know my story wave me off as "special" or "gifted". It's taken me a long time to accept that that may be somewhat true. And what I always say to them, the folks with the mundane ability to know when a friend will call, is: Practice This. The only thing I'm really gifted at is taking my self seriously and paying attention. And that's something you can do to.

So, the journey to expanding consciousness - the journey into magic and miracles - begins with the choice to honor yourself and pay attention. Life can only get more enchanting from there.

The Three Cups

Unconsciousness, Anti-Consciousness and Consciousness

 Off the bat, what exactly is consciousness? The least complex definition of consciousness is that it refers to your sentient, aware or woke state. On the other end, the mystical psychiatrist Richard Bucke, defined cosmic consciousness, as “awareness of the life and order of the universe, possessed only by humans who are enlightened”. Between these two definitions is a whole lot of wiggle room. I've found that, generally speaking, between these two tent poles are three buckets:: unconscious, anti-conscious and conscious. Now unconsciousness and consciousness tend to be expressed as spectrums, with plenty of  blurry overlap. Anti -consciousness, less so. 

Unconscious
These are the folks who maintain this reality. They can range from knee jerk skeptics to folks who've experienced magic but gaslight themselves for fear of their own consciousness exploration.

These poor souls often deny magic and miracles exists, denying themselves, usually at great personal cost. They cherish fitting in and enforce others to conform. It is possible for these folks to become conscious, but the social cost of becoming conscious is usually a price greater then they’re willing to pay. Most people fall into this category.

Conscious
These folks straddle a difficult line. They've experienced magic, perhaps lots of it, but let the world convince them they're wrong for having these experiences. They get labeled "weird" they're written off and generally ignored and minimized at worst they are diagnosed mentally ill. They commonly believe there's a wrongness about themselves. A herculean effort is required by then to get out of this perception of wrongness. They perceive subtle energies of both body and mind. If they’ve received a mentally illness diagnosis many of these folks are medicated out of their self knowing.

Anti-Consciousness 
On one end of the spectrum these are the murderers of life and spirit. On the other end of the spectrum they are your master manipulators, narcissists and haters.

These are the folks that maintain a healthy thread of insanity in this reality. Not a whole lot of light can get through to them. The only good news about them is that they're in the minority.

Next week I dig in a bit about what I mean by magic. Till then...

Liberation and Hate Can't Coexist

Vulnerability has entered the chat

 A random lightening thought hit me…when you're hard at work freeing yourself of trauma, there's no time to spare judging, controlling and ultimately hating others.

What if judgement and control (I dub those the DNA of hate) are just devices that distract us from our own self realization? What happens when and if we pivot to vulnerability?

This reality has taught us that vulnerability is something to be embarrassed of. Glossed over: men are taught early to a)have all the answers and b) to stuff their feelings and to be ashamed if they express emotion. Women, conversely, are taught to hold the emotional bag for everyone else, and to do that with grace while ignoring their own wellbeing. Our present day polarized culture is an indictment of this system. It's made losers of us all.

And what we lose is the interior of our very beings. We lose connection to self: intuition, joy, wellness. We also lose intimacy in our relationships (if we ever had that in the first place). We turn into survivors of this reality and sacrifice thriving.

Is that anyway to live?

And what is vulnerability anyway?  What happens when we pivot toward it? Some aspects of vulnerability are:

• to live in a state of allowance of peoples choices, not matter the opinion we have of them. Taken even further, it's to have no judgment of other peoples choices whatsoever.

• the willingness to simply be oneself, disregarding the pressure to fit in. 

• the willingness to admit wrong thinking and doing, then risking status to make amends.

• the willingness to admit that you don't have all the answers, and awakening to understanding that you never we're supposed to have the answers in the first place

• the willingness to be kind to yourself and prioritizing that caretaking of self

• Eliminating judgement and control from your toolbox, with the full knowledge that those tools don't work to achieve the end you desired.

• the acceptance of risk and forgoing of security. Risk is inherent in this reality; and security is an illusion. And it's exactly this loss of security and adoption of risk most people are guarding against. We think, what if after embracing vulnerability, I remain unloved? 

We inhabit a reality where we've  been groomed away from our inner knowing which is the ultimate kindness to self. And the prospect of engaging our vulnerability a risk too great to take. And this is our fate. What's the antidote? Choosing different. In choice, we have an endless array of possibilities. In hate, we have an indictment and a conclusion - with no means of relief for any player.

So dear reader, can I help you make new choices? You know where to find me.